I may be opening up a can of worms, but here goes... I come from a family of long-term marriages. One set of great-grandparents married very young and remained married til they both died in their 90s--must have been married around 70 years. Same goes for another set of great-gps. My maternal gps were married almost 60 years before they both died in their mid 80s. My paternal gm was widowed twice, but both marriages were very long-term--she is now 90. My parents have been married 45 years. And several sets of aunts and uncles are nearing their 40th anniversaries. Then we reach my generation, and things change.

I currently hold the record for longest married of this set--by a long shot. We are nearing our 21st anniversary. My brother is still healing from his second divorce--neither marriage lasted more than 5 years. A cousin is also going through a second divorce--first lasted 2 years, second lasted 13 years. Other cousins are younger, and those who are married have been so around 3 to 7 years.

I won't go into great detail, but I am absolutely sure that MY marriage will not last. The thought of spending 20, 30, 40, 50 more years together--it just isn't going to happen. We married very young, and we now have nothing in common and our future goals are absolutely incompatible. He wants to spend the next several decades slowing down and living a simple life. I want to gear up and get moving into the most exciting and adventurous years of my life. My dreams terrify him, and his dreams bore me to tears. We will not be sitting on the porch rockers together as we age. We will each go our own way--happily into the sunset, just not together.

I also see the same things happening with other family members in my generation. No one seems to be emulating the marriages of our ancestors. We used to take for granted that everyone would have silver and golden anniversaries--and beyond. Now, I am realizing that it probably won't happen for any of us--at least not the golden and beyond. And I am wondering--is this a 21st century trend?

The other day I was around several older couples who had been married 50 plus years. When I look at them, I think of my ancestors. And to be honest, I no longer see it the way I used to see it. Instead of thinking it is sweet for people to be in love for so long, I begin to think---who is giving up their dreams. I just know that I am not the same person I was when I got married--I have completely changed, and my hopes and dreams for the future have changed as well. And I think I am not in a minority when I say that two people usually grow apart and away from each other, not together. There are a lucky few who seem to enjoy the same things all through life, but most long-term couples I know have made a LOT of compromises--and that often means that someone has supressed their dreams in honor of the other person's dreams. Unless you have the same dreams, most will take you in opposite directions from each other.

When looking at my female ancestors, most of them gave up their personal dreams and followed their husband's dreams. The advice I have been given over the years from these women boils down to this--follow your husband's lead. They would advise me to suppress my wishes in favor of my husband's. If he wants to retire and fish every day, I should learn to fish and go with him. I am not suppose to go off and do my own thing--I am to "submit" to his authority--he is suppose to make the decisions and lead the family. To all of this I say--HELL NO!! I refuse to be the quiet, submissive wife who spends her life always regretting the fact that she never did the things SHE wanted to do. I am turning my back against tradition--I could not stand to swallow my dreams and go through the motions of living someone else's dreams for years and years. How do people do it?!! Is it selfish to want to "go your own way" and "do your own thing" once the kids are grown? I see the majority of couples in my generation doing this--and I think it is a healthier way to live.

Not to knock those who truly have the same goals for 50 years or more--more power to them. I guess each person in those couples did very little changing over the years so that decades later they still have the same goals. Or they somehow were able to grow together instead of apart. The old saying "Opposites Attract" was true for me in the beginning--now it is about to bite me in the butt! I wonder if two people who marry later in life--maybe in their 30s/40s--who have a LOT in common and share the same goals for the next several decades--maybe they have a much better chance. But those of us who married young and married someone who was our opposite--I just don't see much hope. At least not if they both want to spend the rest of their lives fulfilling their own personal dreams and goals. Polar opposites can only stay together for so long--they eventually tire of the strong pull away from each other and go their own directions. I think each of us will feel tremendous relief when we are able to stop trying so hard to swim upstream and can relax and float in our own directions. I know I am getting to my saturation point and and almost ready to let go.

Once our generation begins to reach our 80s and 90s, I wonder if there will be very many golden anniversaries and beyond. I think that couples who have been married 50 years or more will be a very rare thing. It may even be very hard to find couples who made it to their silver anniversary. I imagine that we will be ranting and raving about any couple who makes it to their first deacde together!

I guess it is a generational thing--I know in my family it definitely seems to be that way. Starting with my generation--there may be parties for the first decade anniversaries, but I don't expect to be going to very many silver or golden ones. And I have come to the conclusion that this fact is not neccesarily a bad thing. At least my generation will fulfill their dreams instead of suppressing them. I think there will be fewer deathbed regrets if everyone is able to live a fulfilled life of their own making. I think my generation has learned that a person has to make their own happiness--that it cannot be found in someone else.