For two years now I've worried and fretted and had knots in my stomach, been jealous of other women my husband seemed more suited to than me and my self esteem has taken a nose dive. I've put on 20 lbs. out of depression and lost interest in so many things I once enjoyed like fishing and photography (and exercise...)

He won't even sleep with me now claiming his back hurts too much yet he lives on his computer in his free time and has put a lock on his email ogling porno pics of girls in their 20's and keeps a constant supply of viagra...

I've cried and aged about 5 yrs., gone ballistic a few times, drank heavily, lost track of time and couldn't remember the events of the night before, now I barely drink at all, all because I've been so doubtful that I was loved or loveable or intelligent or desirable. I had lost respect for myself because I "let" him abuse me verbally, emotionally and physically.

Now, I'm over it. I just want peace of mind and a future.

Katie has been in jail now for two months and has gone through the initial spiritual awakening and renewal. She spoke of God all the time and how we should trust Him for the future and not worry about anything. She's been through the denial stage, and now she is getting irritated and tired of being there. She wants her freedom and told me the other night that she wants her own life when she gets out.

I've had Aaliyah now since before Christmas and for the past two months have been her sole support. Basically I'm feeling angry toward Katie right now because she indicated that I could stay with my husband and go my merry way when she gets out and she and Aaliyah might move in with one of her buddies from the Wing House who is a bartender and has a baby son by an abusive boyfriend. I told her she's mixing apples and oranges. My decision to leave Warren has nothing to do with her. It's a destructive relationship.

My grandson's dad, who has sent Katie books, magazines, letters and photos while she's been in jail basically got the same brush off as me. She wants him to move himself and his son (her son) back to Florida where the father has no family and few friends and not many job prospects so she can have the convenience of having him (her son)back in her life.

The dad is willing to do it just so his son can have one last chance to be with his mother and experience what life is like with a mom. I'm not so sure Katie will be what we all hope she will be when she gets out.

I really don't want to be hurt again by anyone, especially my own daughter. I don't want her to go back to prison the next time. Her boyfriend, Malik, is a huge black man who is nearly 30 yrs. older than she is, whose occupation is going to all the hip hop concerts and taking photos of the artists for a magazine called Ozone. He promotes Crunk Juice and is constantly photographed with young girls. He is a muslim and they fight physically over stupid stuff. One night they got in a huge fight in our driveway and I had to go out there and threaten to call the police. I don't want her devoting her time and energy to this man any more than she wants me devoting one more minute to my husband.

The future frightens me somewhat. I wonder how long I can wrap my life around others, especiallly when they are so selfish and thoughtless. Especially when I have such a strong desire for peace and order and happiness for myself and Aaliyah and her brother. It seems that if one person doesn't put me in a trap, another does. Am I wrong to feel this way?