That's a thought-provoking question, Evie. Do I ever feel that my faith is a "mixed blessing"? I love God, and I cherish my faith. He has been such a faithful, loving Companion. He grounds me. My faith anchors me. He has been such an integral part of my being and heart, it's impossible to imagine living without God in my life.

I actually deliberately tried once. It was while I was in college. I can't remember why, but I was angry with God about something going on in my life at the time. Probably had something to do with the fact that I was living in a "Christian" community house, where two drummers had been up half the night (for about the third night in a row) trying to out-drum each other. I knew I'd probably have to move, because I couldn't take this drumming feud anymore.

Anyway, I woke up grumpy, tired, and disappointed at the idea of having to move again, mid-semester after being so excited about this whole Christian community idea. So I told Him in the morning that I didn't want to talk to Him for the rest of the day (don't ask me why I blamed HIM for the drummers drumming all night...but, hey, I was cranky and He was the only one I could be cranky with!)

The day was hectic, so there wasn't much time to think about Him. But walking home, the sunset was one of the most glorious I'd ever seen. I had to laugh and tell Him He wasn't playing fair...how could I possibly see something like that and not thank Him for it!

Our relationship has always had a gentle sense of humour, making Him that much more a beloved Companion along my way.

The word that comes to mind when describing my faith is "dynamic". It's constantly evolving, I'm constantly learning new facets of God, and consequently new facets of myself in relationship to the new facets of God. But I'll take the ever-evolving faith over a stagnating faith anyday.

The one thing that has baffled me all my life is that the deeper my faith grows, the more I expect it to strengthen and protect me, and yet, when the depressions would hit, I couldn't fathom the "why" and would beat myself up around the soul for being so weak and, well, faithless - until I recognized that depression is an ILLNESS, and not a sign of weakness or character flaw. Once I accepted that my depression is a bona fide illness, I was able to separate it from my faith and realize that the depression had nothing to do with how faithful I was or wasn't.

This is actually what I'm going to be discussing here tomorrow, so it's a timely question.

[ September 12, 2005, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]