MANGLED THINKING

One of the most difficult symptoms of depression that I struggle with is “mangled thinking”. Do you know what I mean? “Mangled thinking” is when my thought processes become tangled up in dark negativity. Mangled thinking distorts my perspective on EVERYTHING…people, relationships, work, social situations, family life, but most of all, my own self.

Mangled thinking is insidious. It begins with a few whispers of old voices “See, your mother was right, you ARE wearing out the welcome mat. You’re a nuisance. Better back off.” Then it escalates to variations of “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me.” Sounds like a pity party, but unfortunately for people who are spiralling into depression, these whispers devolve into deep despair.

Mangled thinking eventually permeates our entire interpretation process. Everything filters through this mangled perception that “I’m no good”, “I’m a failure”, “I’m crazy”. Until we are so sucked into these lies that we become blinded to any other possibility, and are deaf to any other voices. We literally become mired in the quicksand of our own mangled thinking, a place that is virtually impossible to get out of by ourselves.

The way out? I’m an adamant advocate of good therapy and medication to take the edge off of that never-ending cacophony of negativity that’s ringing in our minds, and the sadness and despair that we feel because it feels like we’ll never get out of this dark place. The meds and therapy will help to stabilize us.

But I also believe we can learn how to “map” ourselves out of that quicksand, and that is by what I call “rewiring the attic”. It’s another way of saying “rewriting our inner dialogues”. It’s essentially replacing those lies (and that’s what they usually are), that we are unloveable and worthless, with the truth. It’s not as easy as it sounds, because without evidence to the contrary, we just simply aren’t always able to see the lies for what they are. We WANT to believe the truth, but that’s what mangled thinking does, convinces us that lies are the truth and truths are lies.

When we’re aware that this mangled thinking is one of the SYMPTOMS of depression, and not the underlying truth or cause of depression, then we can begin to treat that particular symptom with the medication it needs: the truth. We can arm ourselves with the truth that we are worthwhile, we are loved, we are more than this depression, we are valid, we are an important part of the fabric of life around us, we do have an important unique niche that only we can fill. Even if we can’t feel all those things while in the depths of depression, we can keep replacing the mantra of negative lies with the mantra of positive truths. Eventually light will break through the darkness, and literally map us out of the quicksand of that mangled thinking.

Does any of that sound familiar? I invite you to share your own experience of mangled thinking, and how it affects you when you are struggling with depression. Can you see it for what it is? Is it as debilitating a symptom for you as it is for me? Are you able to talk yourself out of those lies?

It’s imperative that you hear me say that we can’t always do it alone, and shouldn’t expect ourselves (or anyone we know who’s depressed) to be able to do this alone. We DO need help from therapists, medications and loved ones. I would never have made it out of my first major bout of depression with the network of friends and medical help that stood by me. They literally loved me back to life. But now I’m able to do a lot of that “rewiring of my attic” by myself and throw the truth at those lies when they begin to haunt me again.

[ September 02, 2005, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]