Hello Everyone!

Yesterday I hosted my future daughter-in-laws wedding shower. (Her girlfriends and my daughter did most of the work, but it was held at my house...so I had to CLEAN, of course!)

I've been reading all of the different fears listed. I do understand the fear of reading/talking about other people's fears. When I was at my worst I was highly suggestive. I stopped reading any books about panic attacks because they were all so scary! That's one of the reasons we kept The Panic Diaries sort of funny. So people who were somewhat suggestive could still enjoy it.

But what I finally figured out about all of my fears is that they were all rooted in my fear of losing control. Be it boarding an airplane or train, driving across a long bridge, being in the middle of a large crowd with no hope for a quick exit, or my heart stopping and dropping dead, it was really all the same. It was all about my fear of losing control.

Control of my escape (from the airplane,car, crowd), control of my body (vomiting,screaming,commiting a violent act), control of my mind (going crazy), even control of my life (dropping dead from a heart attack).

This was quite a revelation for me. First of all it allowed me to be less suggestive. Because now I understood WHY I was so suggestive. Because now I understood that for every fear that I conquered (flying,driving, elevators) there would be a new fear, until I conquered the real problem...the fear of losing control.

This took time, and the change comes slowly, but it certainly came. I realized I was going through life in sort of a white-knuckle state, afraid of what might happen if I losened my grip at all. But I tried, and slowly I learned to let go. And I learned that I was much stronger than I ever imagined. I discovered that my "safe place" was not my home, or my husband, but a place deep inside of me. Which is great, because it's always with me, keeping me strong.

Jeanne