Francine,
Guten tag! I read your post and am sorry to learn of your current struggle and the life-long journey behind it. I can relate to many things you said - especially the change that can come at the onset of a parent's death. I went through (and am still in the middle of going through) a life-altering change that followed on the heels of my mother's death. For those who have certain histories, a mother's death can trigger the unleashing of all sorts of things. It's like, as long as your mother was alive, your subconscious mind had a certain organization and structure (perhaps, in your case, and I'm not a "professional" so it's just my personal sense, but perhaps in your case, the organization was centered around you "not remembering" so that you could protect your mother from knowing - let me know if that makes any sense to you).
I had a couple of questions for you: when did you move to Germany? ARe you still in touch with your doctor in Arizona? You're taking two anti-depressants and an anti-convulsant, right? Have you ever tried a short-acting anti-anxiety med? One you could take at the onset of panic (or in anticipation of a situation, event that might bring on panic), and that would be quick acting and RELIABLE. I'm not sure about mixing the clonazepam with an anti-anxiety med, but it might be something worth asking your doctor about. These shorter acting meds can be taken strictly AS NEEDED and they provide relatively quick relief. Have your panic symptoms increased since you arrived in Germany. Sprechen-sie Deutsch? Haben-sie freunde?
You have very good insight into the motivation that turned you into a perfectionist - it was motivation that came from a world of others who treated you poorly, by which I mean to say that it did not spring from the truth of your inner spirit. What I mean to say is that, had your early life circumstances been different, you might not have become a perfectionist at all. Many people go through their lives completely "motivated" by a reaction to how they were treated as children. And this works for some people. For you, it worked for a while, but then you had more misfortune which toppled the only coping mechanism you'd created. I'm sort of rambling on here, but the point I want to make is that THERE'S A YOU IN THERE SOMEWHERE, A YOU THAT MIGHT NOT YET HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO BE. So I wonder, do you write, do you paint, color, draw; what do you like? what DO YOU LIKE? Think about this and see what comes up.
Finally, regarding thoughts of suicide. I hate to think that this is your only place (although because of that, I'm VERY GLAD YOU'RE HERE) to express these thoughts and concerns. You sound like you have lost hope, or if not lost it, that it rarely flutters in your heart. But you've had so much loss -- you lost the life you knew! And now you're in transition. I'm not trying to give you a pep talk, but I really would urge you to consider your circumstances in a new light: the light of a second chance to become who you were originally meant to be - before the harm scattered you and forced you to diverge from your path. I'm not saying it's easy - not a single piece of it is easy - and it's so hard to see beyond the now, into the future and into the possibilities that it might hold. That's the hope you need to let grow. But first, you have to find a way to manage your anxiety attacks (as they are really nasty little party poopers and very counter-productive to hope). So that's your first job: figure out what you need to do to get better management of your anxiety attacks - call your doc in Arizona, try every technique in the book (any book), reach out to your husband (if you can - and if you can't, then tell him you can't). But most important of all, hold on and let others hold the hope for you for now.
Warm wishes,
Julie