Francine, I haven't been participating in this thread until now because I've been either out of town or very hectic. But your post really touched my spirit and heart. This could have been me writing this only a few months ago. I've struggled with very poor self-esteem all my life and became an expert "chameleon", changing myself in whatever way necessary to fit in and belong anywhere. Perfectionism became one of my defense mechanisms too. So much so, that it almost killed me when chronic fatigue and depression began to make it impossible for me to function at all, much less perform perfectly.

It's been a long, hard struggle, and yes, I've battled with suicide thoughts in the past, feeling so overwhelmed with hopelessness and despair that it was never going to get better. My journey out of there has been long and difficult, but well worth the agony and hard work. Jeanne's analogy of the haunted house is right on...the best and only real way out is through the pain and darkness. Yes it's scary, yes it's painful, but the "real you", the core self that you finally meet and evolve into along the way is priceless.

I continually have to "rewire my attic", replacing all those persistent and deafening negative voices and messages with new positive and compassionate ones. It's so hard at times, and seems futile and unproductive at times, but don't give up. Take a break now and then from that interior dialoguing, but don't give up. And above all, be compassionate with yourself...be tender with your woundedness, lovingly embrace that sad child deep within you, rock Francine gently back to life.

You are NOT ever expected to be able to do it all by yourself. Therapy, medication, friends, family, your Boomer sisters right here, and God if you believe in Him (and if you do, the first thing that might be helpful is to dare/choose to believe that He truly is on your side and loves you UNCONDITIONALLY...and HE HAS NOT ABANDONED YOU!!! It's hard to believe when we feel like we're drowning in quicksand, but that's when it comes down to blind faith...saying it's true even when we can't feel it).

Francine, we're all here for you. Come here as much as you can. Let us hold your hand in that darkness and sit with you there in that confusing maelstrom of mangled thoughts. We'll help you through. And if it would help at all, feel free to email me anytime (eagleborntofly@magma.ca).

[ June 08, 2005, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]