Writegirl, one thing you will find here is that whatever it is, you are not alone. I'm so sorry to hear that you too experienced childhood abuse. I assure you, even though we are in cyber-space, you will make some real friendships on this site. I relate to you and Sugar; it takes a lot for me to trust. I also went through feelings of being worthless and wasted. Sugar, my therapist used a similar technique with me because I used to space out. What is real in the here and now? Also, Sugar, I don't like that method of checking a diaper. My goodness, I never thought of it before, but that is an invasion of privacy in infancy. And a toddler...well, what is that teaching them? That adults have the right to ...I would have reacted in the same way! Is this common practice? Why check a diaper that way? Also, Sugar, anyone who survives what we have survived is not lazy, or wasting away. In fact, think of all the highly honed skills you have had to use to survive! Think how clever and smart you are for being able to function with abuse going on. You're brave to me, even when you need to take time to count. Love and Light, Lynn