Sugaree,
Julie here. So sorry to learn of your history...and of the present circumstances that history surrounds you with. I can definitely relate to the link between childhood trauma and PTSD (and smells). Did you know that the olfactory nerves are the shortest of the sensory nerves, shortest as in they go straight to the processing center of the brain. Remember that long ago (I mean eons ago...) the sense of smell was probably our primary and most immediate source of information about the environment. That was good news way back when we needed to survive from predators. The sense of smell is unique in other ways - the brain learns very quickly "what a smell means" and it doesn't take but one molecule of that scent to evoke the memories and experiences originally associated with the smell. I have a similar "association" -with nail polish. I can hardly write the word without smelling it and the fear of re-experiencing the sensations that went along with that "original learning," roar to the front of my mind - just writing the word.
I am sure none of this "helps" you - it doesn't help me, not in any big way, although it is good to understand some things about how the brain works.
It sounds like you've been in therapy and made some progress there, but I can hear "silent secrets" inbetween your words and the hopelessness that that kind of silence brings. I would like to offer you hope, the first piece of which is knowing that you are not alone. Of course, your experience is unique, but it is experience that can be understood. I understand a lot about you and I know a lot about PTSD. It remains one of the more baffling of the anxiety disorders because of what they refer to as its "longevity." There are many theories and many possible treatments, most of which involve and "unlearning" or your original response. A sort of elaborate dissasociation process. I have stumbled upon something in my own therapy that gave me surprising relief. I'd be interested in hearing what you've tried and what your results have been, and if it's more appropriate to discuss this one-on-one (Is that okay, Dotsie?), then we should do that.
I have to run now, but I'll post to you again. Until then, know that you are not alone and that what you're experiencing (even by way of anticipation of the smells to come) makes perfect, natural sense.
-Julie