Bless you Meredith-
Your questioning is very on the mark. But yes, if I knew John would survive the cancer I would be different now. I would relax more.

Admittedly, I am afraid of that big black emotional hole that I will go through if I lose the human part of the man that I have shared so much with. No one wants that.

I understand that it is NOW that is most important and that is correct because either one of us could have a tragic accident instead but I find myself waiting. I am thinking that, with time, this will change and evolve.

You are a survivor so you must have had some of the same types of feelings with the "waiting game".

I also believe your focus on the person who needs help and the area in which he needs it is right on the money. I think Dotsie does the same thing only with prayer. The method is similiar.

You are right, there are many similiarities in religions. My sister-in-law is a Christian Buddhist. Hard to get the two together in your mind but with a little effort, I saw where she was coming from.