Pam--I've done the same thing. I rarely cook a full meal during the holidays, unless it's something that can be thrown in the crock-pot. Then I send my husband or one of the kids out for salad stuff and pull out some bread from the freezer to make a meal.

One of my clients had her kids sign up for what they wanted to cook this Thanksgiving. She bought the groceries, and they all gathered in the kitchen Thursday morning. The all had a great time, and she didn't feel exhausted at the end of the day.

JJ--thanks for playing devil's advocate. (As I recall, you're a Georgia girl, too, and we truth-telling Southerners have to keep eachother in line.) I myself get tired of "experts" making glib suggestions about how to have a stress-free holiday. They probably have a big staff or lots of money to execute their ideas--I don't, although I have a husband who cooks, and I have more time than I did when I was younger.

I've tried it all--buying Christmas in June (less than inspired, and at this stage of life, I forget what I've bought and end up buying twice!), fighting the crowds in one massive December shopping trip one year, and doing it in November like we did last month. The point is not to go on autopilot. Autopilot--that numb, duty-bound trudging forward that turns us into exhausted victims--is a significant symptom of burnout. And when we get burned out, we get sick, physically and/or mentally. At the very least we get just plain resentful. It feeds into menopausal symptoms, including "cottonhead," which is Marian McCain's (author of Elderwoman) word--that confused, disoriented sense of overwhelm that is characteristic of PMS and midlife.

You're right--we can't re-do November. But we can check in with ourselves day by day. This week I've decided to scratch going to a midweek party that seemed like an option a month ago. I'm just too tired after the weekend--and determined to get rested up for a full weekend coming up. I'm re-focusing on the reality that mine is not a cookie-cutter family, and we don't have to do things the same way every year. (In fact, my mother is in the severe stage of Alzheimer's, so my family of origin is pulling together in more real ways than in our "cookie cutter days.") The "But we've done it this way every year!" syndrome is draining--every Christmas is different.

The other thing that helps me is to schedule some time--my work allows me to take a week--after Christmas to recover. During that week, my husband and I take naps, go to the movies, read, and do what's pleasurable. Just anticipating that break ahead can get me through some hectic days. But you're right, JJ--not everything works for everybody.

Sher--Premature ovarian syndrome must be hard. It's struggle enough to be around fifty and dealing with teenagers and menopause symptoms. When were you diagnosed? I hope you're getting the support you need to deal with whatever grief that's there. It's an insult to gulp hormones so early--yet it forces the issue of learning to honor the body and listen to yourself day by day. Menopause requires that we spin a cocoon in order to undergo the transformation of this time of life. That's real hard when you're still facing the demands of school functions, driving children to meet appointments, etc.--and especially hard if you're daughter is getting into puberty herself. I hope you're able to enlist some support and just let this year be what it wants to be. Glad you're in this particular group.