fiddledee, I went through this years ago with my husband's teenage son from his first marraige. It ended badly, the situation was handled poorly by my husband (and me), and the son now 33, has paid the price for years for all the bad decisions and misparenting that happened. I will always regret not having done more to intervene, always.

If you will be tolerant of what may become an overlong post......

I too was the stepmom and felt that I had no right to step in and take over the boys life so late in childhood. He had a mother in the same city, and I felt that his father should be in charge since I was nearly a stranger to the son. The son was terrible. Out of control temper tantrums, berating the other children, making my life miserable, challenging his father at every turn. It was a nearly intolerable situation. I kept waiting for his father to handle the situation with reason and fairness but that never happened.

I always treated the son with all the affection I could muster--after all he was nearly a stranger to me. But that was never enough. I was powerless to control him and affection wasn't enough. He and his father clashed constantly. Order was never established. He left home a few years later at 17 and has been in trouble ever since. I blame myself. I should have orchestrated the situation better--but I didn't. Had I done things differently, steered the faltering father, created order, I could have changed the course of things. I will always be guilty for not doing all I could have done.

So. I agree with a previous poster. Rules of order and leadership MUST be created. The father should be in charge of discipline, you will not have the respect nor are you in a position to be the voice of power. But you must be the voice of reason. Your husband must be convinced that the boy is not his best friend, nor his enemy, but his dependent son. He needs leadership, not a buddy. As dreadful and difficult as this boy is, you must try to find the loveability in him and love it. If it takes a third party or professional help to accomplish these things--then get it. This child's future is in your hands. The boy will be a part of your husbands life and your family forever. You will continue to live with the results of this crisis time for many years to come.

I'll stop here. There's more....but taking better charge of the situation NOW will save you a lifetime of grief and guilt and mangled lives later. He needs you. Be there for him.