Not disciplining your child - especially an older child - is usually the sign that Dad was approval and/or feels guilty about the circumstances of the divorce and how his son is turning out.

In situations that are tough, we tend to do just the opposite of what we should be doing.

Fiddledee, (btw, love that name) There has to be rules to live by in this house. These need to be set immediately, everyone needs to be working together and if everyone is NOT working together then they simply are NOT part of the family and need to be treated as such.

It is difficult as parents to tough love our children. Most parents do not understand that it is not the pleasantries of life that effect change but when we get so uncomfortable with the status quo that we have to try something different.

Your stepson is acting the way he is acting because 1 - He can. There is not accountability in place that tells him that he will treat others with respect - or else there are consequences. "Good Guy" parents create Kids Behaving Badly and inappropriately.

Hubby has to make it clear to son that there will be no power struggles - either plug in and realize that you are Dad's choice and part of his life and Son needs to be realistic, or else he will not be welcome in your home, and as "an adult" will be expected to manage on his own, in his own place, fitting the bills for his own expenses.

You need that "stand-up"-ness with your husband.

Unfortunately, the peaceful loving feelings that brought you to your hubby, are probably the same feelings that make him fearful at confronting his son for behaving badly.

Fiddledee, you have had some unfortunate experiences in the past and have some healing still to go through re: your adult father's choices to remarry. I hope you seek peace in that situation as your stepmom is just one part of the problem in that picture and you do have to acknowledge what your Dad did and how his personal choices affected you. No one twisted his arm, people do what they do, because it serves a purpose for them.

Keep us posted on your situation and how things go with your talk with hubby...you are in my thoughts and I wish you the most peace that can come in this situation.