Mary,

Situations like this are never easy - but this statement of yours says a lot:

"The fact is he knew the 'rules' of the house before he ever came down here and agreed to them, yet now he doesn't care."

Your stepson is making a choice to behave the way he is behaving.

The worst thing to do is not enforce the rules and to not insist and enforce discipline to teach your stepson that disrespect is not allowed.

From the sounds of it, he is in definite need of counseling

It is sad, but at the same time, bad behavior esculates if not checked and held to accountability.

For example, He is taking your and your husband's things to see if he will get a reaction from you all. He should get a reaction, and I hope you are or will be giving him the reaction of taking your things back from his room, while at the same time pulling his privilege of having his own TV and VCR for several weeks (I would do one week for EACH item he took).

He is looking for discipline - give it to him.

You and your husband can also get together and make a contract and have him sign a contract that clearly spells out "This is what we expect" (A) and This is what happens if you do A (B - your reward/privileges/rights), If you do not do A, then this is what happens (C - Your discipline/your lack of rewards/privileges/rights). You and your husband sign this contract as well as your son. Before signing, ask your son's opinion on the items in the contract. If he is a sulky boy and doesn't answer, then the contract stands as is. If he gets beligerent and answers irrationally or immaturely, simply state that you are trying to treat him as a 17 year old and give him the choice to participate in the process, if he chooses to give up his choice by yelling/screaming/being disrespectful the contract stands as is. Once signed, you all are now accountable to the contract of living and home arrangements and no one (your son) can say in the future "I didn't know", "I didn't understand" or "You all are being unfair".

Discipline is not punishment. Punishment is a retaliation, discipline is a loving action that shows a child that as a parent you care enough to care that they know the difference between right and wrong and consciously choose right over wrong.

_________________________________________________

If the discipline does not work

There is also another resource that may possibly be available for your family in Florida

National House of Hope
http://www.nationalhouseofhope.org/index.htm

The have a House of Hope in Orlando Florida
___________________________________________

I also, again, would highly recommend that you get into Christian counseling in your area for both your stepson as well as a family so that as a family you can help your son, through a counselor's direction how to develop better interpersonal and interrelational skills all stemming from an active conscience and learned empathy.

I would also recommend purchasing a home drug test from your local CVS/Walmart/Pharmacy and insist on testing him...every month or every two weeks if you suspect any possibility of drug use. Plan ahead through your insurance company if you feel drugs are involved so that he is checked immediately into a rehab if he tests positive.
________________________

Also, I really, really, really like some advice the Dr. Phil gave to a family with an out of control kid - strip the room down to one bed, with a mattress, one blanket, one pillow and two changes of clothes and let him EARN his stuff back over time (time being months) of good behavior. Dr. Phil said that we as parents give our children too much with too little expectations. (amen!)

Someone at some point has to show him what is character and how you build it. You do not build good character by disrespecting others.

Mary, I believe that you and your husband were not put in this situation without a reason and although there is a time to "tough love" and kick a kid out for non-compliance, I don't think you all are at the point IMO. You all just haven't put the full strength of your parenting power into the picture.

If he cannot pick up after himself and clean up his messes - he doesn't determine when and what he eats, you all do. If he wants to act like a two year old regarding food then give him the privileges of a two year old, which is to be on a feeding schedule as recommended by the Assoc. for Pediatric Medicine which is every 3-4 hours.

Make it clear to him that you all love him, but do NOT love his behavior, and it is his behavior that needs to change.

He needs someone to hold him accountable - this means if he steals, press charges; if he lies, ground him, if he takes things that are not his but keeps them in the house - remove all items that are not his plus remove the same number of items that are his and put them in "time out" for one week per # of items.

When he "wins the war" by getting your husband to yell or you to smoke or do other self-destructing behaviors to either one of you or your marriage, then you both are GIVING up the power of your parenting. You retain control when you maintain your power. You maintain your power when instead of "falling off the wagon" and starting to smoke again(which is you HURTING you) you choose to instead of smoking use exercise to lower your stress levels and blood pressure.

(For exercise: Highly recommend sex with hubby - not only does 15 min of foreplay and 20 minutes of sex burn 125 calories for the average weight female, you also get the fringe benefit of focusing on the most important relationship in the house and getting the benefit of activating hormones that naturally reduce stress through sexual contact.)

You maintain power when you vent with a counselor and you respond to your son with solid strength. (Even when you don't feel strong.)

As your husband and yourself are true to what you believe is right and wrong and follow through enforcing the rules, not feeling sorry for the kid who has been through so much, and follow through (is there an echo? <big grin>) then you will have a better behaved kid.

If you don't believe me - Talk to Dr. Laura =)
www.drlaura.com