Mary,

Welcome - I know that we can help you, or at least direct you to the sources of help.

Some of the things I did before I got married was insist that my stepdaughter get into counseling to deal with issues re: her parents divorce and her relationship with her Mom.

Kaile was distant from her mom b/c of the circumstances surrounding her parent's divorce and her mom choosing to go live with another man and leaving her and her half sister from her mom's other marriage for my husband to raise.

Another thing I did was read everything I could on "blended families", Some of my best reads were:

"Stepwives : Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First" - This book helped me understand the relationship and conflicts between birth moms and step moms and to respect Kaile's Mom no matter how much of a "Momma Bear" she was and REQUIRE that Kaile respect her in front of me as well. (One time Kaile criticized her mom in front of me, and I looked at her and told her that she may not agree with what her mom did but she is NOT allowed to disrespect her mom in front of me or in my home - this had a two fold impact on Kaile, it established that I and Kaile's dad would NOT be criticizing her birth mom in front of or with Kaile, and also that the respect that we wanted her to show to Me, as her stepmom, was also required for ALL of her parents. Was this easy to do - no, it is a natural way of behaving for a stepmom to behave badly and criticize the "ex", the only problem is the "ex" is a "current" mom to all stepchildren). "Stepwives" helped me understand more about Kid's in divorce and how they are often "caught in the middle" and why they respond the way they do.


"Living In A Step-Family Without Getting Stepped On" by Dr. Kevin Leman - This book really helped indentify how a blended family "upsets" the nature way of life for BOTH families. Coming from our family with ALL Firstborns, I got quite a few chuckles as Dr. Leman had many "lightbulb" moments for our family as far as establishing a new family birth order and meeting the needs of our children inside of our blended family.


I know that if I had to base my love for my husband and the desire to fulfill the commitment of my marriage upon the initial attitude of my daughter, Kaile, when we(Me and Little K) first came into the picture, I would have never married my husband. I found that by praying for Kaile, my stepdaughter, and for God to show me ways to meet her needs, that it really strengthened our relationship.

Kaile at first was vicious - she attacked everything about me - my looks, my weight, even my voice (I am conference vocalist), said I was only after her dad for his money (even though I had more in the bank than he did), and etc., you name it it was attacked.

The thing is, when stepchildren lash out it is because of grief. It really is not personal against the new stepparent, it is their grief.

I have always defined grief as this way: Grief is the disruption of our heart as it beats and longs for what was. Grief is an interruption of the mind as we think about what once was.

Divorce does terrible things to children, and most of the terribleness is not seen until later, when teens or older/grown children are learning about love and relationships for themselves and are exploring the world of interpersonal relationships with some missing information on what actually makes for a good marriage. Most kids of divorce have never seen a marriage in which conflicts are resolved without shooting to kill in conflict. The odds decrease with every new marriage that they will learn new conflict-resolution skills, because parents forget that divorce is only a legal end to a past problem, and if not dealt with AFTER the divorce, the problems of each person just keep getting added into the "blended and extended" family until ALL problems are either dealt with or the stepfamily implodes.

Most parents/stepparents can't get beyond justifying the REASONS they are getting divorced or have got divorced or choose to get remarried, to recognize that there is a responsibility to the children/stepchildren that are part of the package.

Parents/Stepparents can't overlook the emotional needs of the child, even if the divorce is "years" before the new marriage. Many emotions from divorce are dormant in children, because they lack the skills necessary to process the emotions.

When I am talking to moms on Blended Family topics I say this: "Being a mother is the toughest job that you could ever love, Being a stepmother is an even tougher job because it is a struggle against all things natural to love."

Early on as a stepmom, I set boundaries for myself and my stepdaughter. I made the decision that I would let my husband discipline Kaile. If she was disrespectful to me, then her Dad would take care of it. I made it very clear to him that him stepping up to the plate in this area was honoring to me as his wife, as well as honoring to his daughter. By not letting bad behavior go unchecked just because it is a "tough topic", He would show his family love and concern, and cement in all of our minds that he was committed to making our blended family marriage work.

This does not mean that I would not hold my stepdaughter accountable. I would tell her that she had no right to disrespect me and that she had to give me at least the courtesy of a stranger. I didn't require her to like me, much less love me, but she could not call me names, or be disrespectful without consequences.

At one point, a few months into the marriage, we sat down with Kaile and explained to her that she would not be allowed to visit if she could not be civil and be respectful of both her dad and myself and her stepsister (less of a problem since she took to "sistering" easier) while she was in our home. We explained to her that her rights of expression ended at the point that our began. And that we had the right to have a peace-filled home that was a testimony to genuine caring, concern and love for everyone inside. If she choose to come into our environment, she would be choosing to give and recieve the same type of emotions/action. If she did not choose, then visits would be structured outside of our home and would be fewer and far between. We made it clear to Kaile that our marriage came first. We made her understand that we were not going to become a statistic and in doing so reinforce her fears of more people leaving, and further create conflict for her.

From day one, I had expectations for Kaile. She was to treat me with respect and when she didn't there were consequences. When she did, I rewarded her on a level between us, or my husband and I rewarded her together or my husband rewarded her himself. Rewards are verbal praise, expression of gratitude and sometimes gifts. Reward is a tough thing to do as a parent/stepparent when kids are "doing something they should be doing anyways", but it very important to reinforcing positive behaviors and diminishing negative behaviors. (Sometimes it was just something as simply "Thank you for coloring with Kayleigh")

I have also looked for ways to bond more with Kaile. At first I had the Stepmom-Cinderella mentality, that I was God-given to Kaile for a special purpose for her life. Although, I still believe this, I now recognize that magic doesn't happen overnight, I was not issued a magic wand and love doesn't grow in a single heartbeat at the words "I do". I never expected for the "motherly love" I have for Kayleigh, to magically appear with Kaile - I prayed for this love to come into my life, as I prayed specifically for Kaile and her needs, struggles and concerns. Last year, I began a monthly e-mail to Kaile called "Letters To Kaile On her Way To College" in these emails I do NOT talk about any frustrations, I don't vent, I simply talk about the journey ahead and reinforce to her that I am praying for her and that I support her decision to go to college and that I know she will be a success at whatever plans God has for her life.

I have learned from being a stepmom that whatever emotion I feed the most as a stepmom is what will grow. If I feed resentment from the horrible things she did in the past or when Kaile in her immaturity, grief, anger, confusion somehow hurts me, my resentment will grow. If I feed the mothering instinct, the role of nurturer and mentor, that will grow.

Response is a choice.

I choose to realize that the relationship between my stepdaughter and my husband is the most important relationship to ensure the happiness in our blended family. When Kaile visits there is always at least several hours (4-5) that is only Dad/Daughter time. These special times were tough at first to "let go" and "let be". But they were necessary for our family. These times were more important in the initial years that ALL of us being together.

We even practice Dad/Daughter, Mom/Daughter, Dad/Son, Mom/Daughter date nights for the reason of strengthening each part to strengthen the whole.

Mary, I hope that you are strengthened as a Stepmom and realize that there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and this too shall pass.

When I get emails back from my daughter, Kaile, that say "love, Kaile" or "I am sorry I didn't notice what a wonderful person you were before. I am glad God put you in my life" - my heart SOARS!!! I know that had I not made the choices that I did early on regarding my boundaries as a stepmom and placing expectations on Kaile, this would have never happened.

Another website resource opening up beginning May 2005 is "Surviving The Blender"(TM) on www.inspiredmoms.com, I will be heading up this area with a team of Christian writers to help stepmoms in their Mom relationships with their children/stepchildren.