Wow, Sparticuss, You have given this a lot of thought, and it is interesting. The book, NOT INTO YOU, served a purpose for me, at the ending of the relationship, in realizing my needs were not being met, and which he acknowledged he could not fill on an emotional level. Greg (author) does make a valid point in stating that if he (the man) does not do simple things like giving assurance which would end anxiety on the woman's part, then he does not care that her feelings are hurting, and he is "not that into you."
I posted my "epiphany" several weeks after this thread ended, in which the lightbulb question popped into my head: "How much anxiety, self-doubt, nervousness, insecurity, self-recrimination are justified in order to be in the company of a man?" And the stupidly simple answer is "NONE!"...none. The responses I received here while going thru the initial stage of the breakup helped me to regain some of myself.
As for the man's mental state because of being divorced for one year...I questioned him about that on our first date, and was assured that the marriage had been over for many years and he was well recovered. Who knows if that was true, but he was definitely suicidal about it, nor ever was.
Now, what's this about being sexy and intelligent, liking men and sex as a means of attracting and maintaining the relationship? That is totally opposite of the advice I've received on this thread. I WAS, smart, sexy, gently humorous and not a male basher. I was not coy, or demure or teasingly seductive, and felt this intelligent man felt an emotional as well as physical attraction. I deluded myself, and now I am thinking I should have witheld my sexual enthusiasm in exchange for building a solid foundation of respect and friendship. That I did not do so is still a source of embarrassment to me when I think about it, and I still do.
The thirteen page letter of introduction was viewed by me with skepticism and even cynicism and I even mentioned that to him. A sincere short letter TO ME would have made a better impression.
ARI