LOL, Chatty!
Well, in my first sexual encounter with this man, I was unable to complet the consummation..so painful it was to me! It truly scared me, but I have been celibate for three years, and off Estrogen for 4 years, and so I immediately made an appt. with my gynecologist, who called it "atrophy." This fella knows all of this, and was not much comfort, I must admit here. My doctor prescribed Estrogen cream for the dryness, and I read online that a vibrator was a good idea for helping to "stretch" the muscles, etc. So I even went to a "sex shop" to purchase one! When I visited the shop, near my doctor's office, which was located in the back of a record store, a geeky little girl came to me as I hesitated in the entrance of the shop, and was very helpful and comforting. So, yeah, I have the Battery Operated Boyfriend, but have not used it. The Estrogen cream seemed to help my condition, and so consummation was achieved in the next visits. This is all very "graphic" and "seedy," I know. I have to tell you here that it was not at all a small thing for me to 1. be unable to perform, 2. visit my gynecologist, 3. go to a sex shop for aids, 4. continue with this man in a sexual way. I have to say here that this was not a small thing for me !! I had profound hopes that this relationship was the be all, end all, and I had found my true soul mate. Today, I had three good hours at work in the morning (positive), and then in the afternoon, found myself tearing up uncontrollably with my students in the room. I went into my art storage room several times just to straighten up! I came home feeling the uncontrollable urge to contact him! But I haven't.
About the sexual drive...I dont' really have a strong one. I take Paxil for depression, which greatly reduces the sexual drive. I have not felt the need for the B.O.B. I have just strongly desired mutual love and assurance from this man, which I haven't received.
Lastly, I just want to say, as Smile has pointed out, that I do NOT want to continue to wallow in this! I have sought out local support groups, one in Huntington, and one in Charleston, for recovery from broken relationships. I just don't have the strength or willpower today to go to the meetings. Both groups meet tonight, and I'm not up to it, but maybe next week if I still feel the need. In the meantime, this forum has been my lifeline, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
ARI