Hi Ari, I was shocked when I read what you wrote: "till I was imagining stabbing myself in the chest with knives!" because I write that almost word for word in my book. In other words, I can relate to the feeling. We are trying to get at the pain, only the pain was inflicted upon us by these awful men! You are well enought to recognize these patterns in regards to abusive men. That's a good thing. A revelation woke you up which is great for your personal growth. Yes, hang in there! This is a growth experience, and you are dong great! Love and Light, Lynn