Knowing a little about brain physiology helps me understand and accept my own feelings. Knowing that what I am experiencing is a part of how God has made me helps me accept my own emotions more easily. I hope it will help you to know what you are feeling is nothing to fear, but a reason to rejoice.

I cannot truly understand the pain of child sexual abuse, because I have not experienced it, but I can identify with being married young. I was married at 17 which for me was to avoid premrital sex. Sex for me was always a joy until a couple of years ago when a man I thought was a friend tried to rape me. I somehow fought him off, but it made me so ashamed. I blamed myself. I even felt guilty for wearing a shell top and shorts. It was crazy.
As a result of that pain though, I experienced God's love in a whole new way. While I was recovering from that experience I heard God's voice. I absolutely heard him saying that I was his child and he loved me. He said he wanted me to stop hurting his child, myself.
His voice was as plain as day and I realized that I really was hurting myself. I was attempting to be intimate with a man outside marriage and it was not who I was. I was raised in a church by a strict mother and it simply was not who I was and I didn't want it to be what I had become.
I promised God right then and there not to have sex outside marriage ever again. I just suddenly knew that God would be there for me and even if I was alone I would never be lonely. I felt it in my heart as a promise from God.
I kept my promise to God and he kept his to me. I dated after that, a lot, but sex was no longer an issue. I made my position clear up front and guess what? It made me more attractive to men and I had more dates and more fun than ever.
Then I met Dan and boy was sex ever an issue again. But God protected me from myself and we were married when we at last came together and it was in love.

I have no answers and through my life, it seems as if every time I think I've got things figured out, something happens to prove me wrong. That knowledge is always looming out there in the recesses of my mind, but I'm determined to enjoy the moments while they are here safe in the knowledge that I am God's child so he wants the best for me.
You are his child also and He wants the best for you too.
smile