Oh my goodness! Thanks for letting me know that I'm not a basket case with this situation. Such input sure does help. I would like to say that I'm glad that you all understand, but thats almost like saying that I'm glad you endured such painful moments too. I'm not, but, since you have and were women enough to share so that I wouldn't feel so alone in this, THANK YOU.

It feels like I'm loosing it becasue I know that I should run, not answer calls, mail like Lala put it.

I know that I should close my mind like Sherry says...

...Smile, morphine has a reputation of taking it's patient/victim far away to lala land...that's where Lance took me. I guess youre right. My own endorphines are doing this cause in MY right mind, I wouldn't even consider him again and want to kick my own tail for going there in the first place.

Peggey, I know from the post in Friends Heal Friends that you know this passion holocaust.

Dots, I am doing many things to combat this lonely feeling, but none that really matters. I went to a Champagne brunch today. It was nice. I enjoyed the conversations, the flirts...Lance was still stuck in my mind as one gentleman? joined me to chat. He talked a real good game. He was married w/problems! Who believes these idiots? Is that supposed to be how they 'rap' these days, telling their prospective conquests that they are having marital problem? This community is so small that it turns out that I knew his wife! His last name is different so I asked him if he knew 'Betty' with his last name. He admitted that she was his wife then continued to come on to me! What a jerk!

Once upon a time, a woman that 'Lance' was 'with' called me! She said, "Oh, you're the Sheree that Lance is always refering to." As much as that hurt and as sick as this sounds, that made me feel 'good' to know that I too was on his mind. Shortly afterwards, he called to apologize for that and we started up 'other' plans. Nothing ever came of that cause see, the woman was so pissed at him for talking to me that they got into it. He HIT her, from what I've heard, very hard which landed him in jail for domestic abuse. I guess the reason I thinking I have serious mental issues is that I've somehow rationalized that he never hit me and for some dumb reason, think that he wouldnt ever. Ha! I do know better than that, but, my silly heart wont listen.

It's almost like my heart is premeditating to let him come here...by really wanting him to call, despite my much better judgement to get my 'endorphin' fix..LOL-Smile- dont you laugh

Toni and Sherri, I'm sorry that you both have had the misfortunes of sexual deviants. That really does affect how/what our adult healthy sex life will be like. I'm going to ask Smile for her info on the endorphine rush for this. This is just out of control madness to even be considering this. But, like I mentioned, no one had ever taken me to the plateau and my mind as well as body got the signals all confused.

What's even funnier is that when I confessed love to him 'out of bed' one time, he looked at me real strange then said, "Oh, you've got it confused." I argued with him that I didn't. I argued my point that I was comfortable with him since we've known each other forever and our families already know one another and WHEW! the list went on. He still had that smurky look. I guess he should have known since he's probably done this to many women. It's just so hard to believe that he could have faked loving me the way he did.

Before we 'did it' the first time, he'd told me that he hadn't in about six mos. It had been a year for me. We 'did it' ELEVEN TIMES that eve til morning, with only a snack and water break!

So, Smile, I guess my poor body had an overdose of endorphines!

Toni, you know the funny thing about this situation? This was one year after my Signals from God incidents. I actually knew better! But, my plans were to marry him so to make it right. I though I was still in Gods arms but somehow satin had slipped in on me. I really thought, based on all the other incidents, that Lance was a part of the glorious picture. But, in hindsight, I think about all of the 'red' lights that I ignored.

Sugaree