Sugaree, having been where you are and having written a book about being there, and having researched brain physiology for what seems like forever, I believe you may be enduring something that I have also endured. I believe I was addicted to my own endorphins. Maybe you are also. Endorphins are the morphine/heroin like substances secreted by the brain in response to pleasurable experiences.

I posted about it elsewhere on here a topic about abused women. I think women who persistently find and stay in abusive relationships are addicted to their own endorphins. It sounds as if this man is abusing your emotions which can be as destrucive as physical abuse. It is as confusing as sexual abuse because it feels good on some level at the same time it feels bad.

The rush of endorphins that occur when this guy returns after having left is similar to what occurs after a man abuses a woman then is repentant. Your own endorphins suppressed by pain for a while become much stronger and are released in greater amounts when the pain subsides. Endorphins are extremely addictive and when they are rushing through your body, they definitely stimulate feeling of lust and passion which feels very much like love. They also give us feelings of power which might feel like the power of love. You may persistently put yourself in situations of pain to suppress your endorphins unconsicously konwing that when the pain subsides, the rush will be greater.

Endorphins stimulate sexual passion which can be the beginning of love, but it is not always love. It may be merely lust. Only if it will wait and is sustained over time can it become love.
If this man's passion comes from love, he will wait. He will wait forever if it is real. So will you. If he is unwilling to wait. If he is unkind, get away from him forever. Passion is a wonderful thing, but love is the best and most wonderful thing of all. You need and deserve it. Sex without it is just sex. Sex with it is wonderful. You deserve both and this man may be keeping you from the blessings you deserve.
smile

[ July 24, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]