Well, after I finished venting, I re-read this and figured it was a bit too long...but, then my HEART ACHE made me continue posting...

Ladies, you be the judge. Does this post belong in the Mental Illness Forum?

I’ll try to keep this ‘singlehood’ plight as inexplicit as possible. Here goes…

Almost one year to date after a breakup with one of the most unique men I’ve ever had the displeasure of loving, I ran into an acquaintance of yet another old old flame. Mind you, the year before that, I had just left a 10yr plus relationship that was not conducive to much love, therefore, ended pretty abruptly to say the least. (That story was posted in “Faith Journey” just a while ago. It will also be posted on Toni’s site soon. SMILE!)

I gave our mutual acquaintance my phone number to give to “Lance.” He called that very evening and we made plans to see each other the weekend. The weekend came and how lovely it was. We caught up on old times, the good and the bad. We both had aged and grown since our last encounter. He’d just come out of a terrible situation that left him prepared for growth. I too had been through a series of emotional roll-a-coasters.

My career was in its prime at a top fortune 100 company and he was working at a job that had room for growth. We would only meet on the weekends at my place while my children were with their father, or just away. We shared our favorite music. He told me that through out the years we hadn’t seen each other, he always thought of me when a specific songstress came on the radio or otherwise. We, of course, would listen to her music with candle light dinners, drinks and mega conversations, laughs that ultimately ended up in CARNAL BLISS.

Carnal bliss? Yeah, funny that I mentioned that huh? Well, to cut straight to the chase so that you all can determine if this is indeed a MENTAL ILLNESS POST, no time will I waste. Since I’d been married since I was 17, divorced from him at 23 and re-involved for 10 more years with someone else, I had of course, had my share of sex. BUT, also since I’d been sexually abused as a child, I was a bit fridged. Of course there were good times in that department, but, for the most part, I faked. I thought that was the ‘dutiful’ thing to do.

Well, that was until Mr. Lance came along. I’d always thought that ‘it’ was so overrated! Never, ever in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that ‘it’ could be so blissful. I’m talkin’ explosive, convulsive ecstasy here. I was stunned into believing that our lust must’ve meant love since NO ONE ELSE had ever made me feel that way. All too soon my lips, no, our lips confessed love.

‘Lance’ and I started having monetary issues. He was concerned that I was spending when it should be the man’s position. Well, I had the better job, at that point, and did not mind. No major purchases were involved…basic things like our dinner and wine/beer and new music and movies for our weekend rendezvous. He got a raise! He started providing these things. Great, huh? NOT! He didn’t get that much of a raise. He gave himself an ‘illegal’ raise!

Suddenly he had a nice car, clothes and a few other purchases that I was really happy for him to have since ‘me’ spending was making him feel less than a man. This relationship continued for a year straight…sweet and certainly blissful. He had stopped coming around as often but I attributed it to his extra responsibilities with his new position/raise. Silly, naïve me.

Well, there were two things I didn’t take into consideration: His illegal activity and his new extra woman! All too soon, the Feds caught up with him and the cat was out of the bag. He went ‘away’ for 3yrs! Since I had never ever in life dealt with such kind of man and he had been ‘busted’ with another, I tried my best not to love him. I told him that we could still be friends and continued to communicate with him and even visited him in his new federal home, occasionally.

He changed the subject of friendship on me. He started discussing marriage and how sorry he was for hurting me. Like a woman in love will do, I forgave him. As ‘socially embarrassing’ as it was to be affiliated with such a man, I made plans anew for us. I dismissed what people had to say. I truly believed ‘we’ could make it through those, now 2yrs, to freedom.

I became his psycho-therapist/lover. We discussed what made him do this illegal act that landed him there. I guess he laid the guilt trip on me when he said that he only wanted to be able to do the things for me that I was accustomed to a man doing (since he was a family acquaintance, he knew the financial status of my ex). How sweet, huh? Only now I need a therapist/lover to mend me back together.

I started feeding his narrow mind with books that offered food for thought…provocative business ideas… news worthy clippings on societal issues…letters not only confessing love, but great examples of the ‘hows’ and the ‘whys’ so many people, especially men like him, were turning to illegal means of economic survival.

I was actively trying to reshape an ‘embedded pattern,’ unbeknownst to me. He always responded in AWE. Like he’d never looked at it that way and our letters became messages with great substance. I was proud of his changes. I had helped build a man. I knew that God was not done with him yet, but neither was He with me. I thought we’d grow together. I thought that my man would come home strong and with a different perspective of life’s worth. I made the decision to stick by my man’s side, better or for worse. My man? Did I say that?

Let me end this now before my eye faucet starts as I recap these painful moments. Just one more point, Ok? If you’ve made it down this far, please forgive me for painting the entire canvas but I just had to ask this. Before anyone could give me an answer, I believed you needed to know where my heart has been and STILL is.

Continued here since this is so lengthy:

When he came home, I reintroduced him into a whole new world where there was no need for illegal supplementary income. Of course, we resumed the explosive carnal encounters to an even higher degree since he now ‘lived’ with me. Not a day passed that we weren’t wrapped in each other’s arms. So, it surely came as a surprise when he decided that ‘our life’ was boring or not what he is ‘accustomed’ to. All too soon, he started hanging out and drinking. Then, he decided that he wanted to go back to a life more familiar. Soon I found that he was ‘living’ with another woman.

HURT! CRYING! PAIN! FOR MONTHS and SOME MORE. HE CAME BACK. I ACCEPTED HIM. OH NO!

It didn’t matter WHO I dated, I only thought of ‘Lance.’ So, when he graced me with his egotistical reappearance, I was weakened with the agony of missing him. I opened my door, carefully though. He knew this and charmed his way back inside of me, in all ways….leave that up to imagination. Six months later, he’s back at his ‘ways.’

That was December 2003 when he left with the rest of my heart. This is eight months later and here I sit comtemplating our reunion. I have dated and dated, trying to get my mind off of this man. I simply cant. My feelings wont go away. I’ve heard it said, ‘No pain, no gain.” Is this just tooooo much? Or, am I living in a fairytale world where things SHOULD go perfectly smooth?

How many chances or rope do you give a man? I have no idea. All I know is that I still love him, or is this lust? When I re-open my heart’s door, I am miserable believing that he will hurt me again so I never fully get comfortable. When he’s gone, I am sweltering in passion's holocaust cause I only want him, his touch. How will I ever be able to genuinely date another with him stuck so deep inside my heart? With or without him, I am hurt, sad and ultimately LONELY.

Sugaree