Smile, I appreciate that input, but if you put it that way, there is no need for a single's forum, LOL.

Toni, that's exactly what I meant though. Your first love from a man, even with his issues, were pure love that you could feel. Something to compare with.

Oh Chatty, I sure pray that you will be in better health soon, ok. Now, why did you have to go and bring that 'security' thingy up?! Since I am self-employed, that is an issue for me. Right now, in my good health, I can afford to pay for health insurance.

The man that is so nice that also repulses me to a fault IS the 'provider' type. But, occassionally when I have thought of being with him for those reasons, I also felt guilt. I prayed on that some time ago and came to the conclusion that he needs someone that will love him back, that will have his children, that will make love to him.

I was not trying to hurt him when I discussed all of those things with him. All he said was, "Let me make my own decisions. I am a grown man and I know who I want and it's you." That was so sweet of him, but, I fear God. I don't want to feel like I'm using him although he left the door wide open for me to. When I accept gifts from him, it is because he's told me that it makes him happy to give them to me. One time out of the many gifts he's given me, I gave him one. I gave it because I felt guilty. Not because it brought me the same joy.

I've often wondered if it is because I have been through such bad relationships that I don't know what to expect from the unfamiliars aforementioned. Like Meredith said, maybe I don't feel like I deserve his kind of love. But, I do know that he doesn't deserve me pretending for the gain of it either.

I've often heard it said over the years and still, that it is best to have a man that loves you more than you love him. I've already let one of these type go to someone else. We have remained friends and he often tells me the great things he does for his wife. I always think to myself, "That could have been my husband." But, I don't feel him that way either. Maybe I don't believe I'm worthy of the good one. Hmmm. Pray for me, please.