Oh...it got a bit physical last night. I smacked him around a bit... actually played with a small whip on his behind at the party... he was sloshed to the point where he seemed to be enjoying it... I stopped, because I realized he wasn't in his totally right mind and wasn't going to stop me... plus I figured, and I was correct, that he was feeling guilty and giving me a chance to unleash my anger....

Later, I went hom first; they came back about an hour or solater. He tried to pretend that everything was Ok, or would be OK between us, if he got a little lovey-dovey... told me he was talking to me from his heart... I smacked him hard in the rib cage and told him he HAD no heart... knocked him down hard on the bed and got in his face... he had the nerve to tell me how much it hurt HIM to have fallen out of love with me... how sorry he was... he started crying.... there was so much going on.... I grabbed him by thecolar and just started chaking him, lifting him up by his shirt and throwing him back down.... I'm bigger than he is, though usually not nearly as strong...and not nearly THAT strong....I scared him so badly he almost left the room... but he seemed to feel such a strong need to make me understand....

I've decided that I will stay only as long as I absolutely need to... a friend is goingto try to help me get published in such a way that I actually make money, soon and plentifully. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm not putting up with any domestic servitude. I will do what I do, what I've always done as a wife, which is maintain the household in the best manner I can, because that's what I do, and I did it before he turned my life upside down, and I do it well. But I'm not going to be anybody's maid. I've made that clear, and everyone is actually pitching in, now that I have become a real bitch about it all. It's all business now.

As far as getting a lawyer... heh heh, we don't own anything of great value, and there's no way I'm going to get any alimony out of him. We've only been legally married for 2 years. The previous 4 do not count. If he wins the lottery, I will get half, or if I win the lottery, HE gets half. I won't care, if lottery funds are involved. Half of a couple of hundred is better than what I've got now.

He's not getting any of my earnings as an author. First of all, he has no idea of what to do to press such an issue, and secondly, he is so phobic about courts and all, he always leaves me to handle such matters... and he has been such an idiot about my writing, never read anything I've written except a few of my poems... hasn't helped me with my writing, in fact, has gotten in the way in more ways than one.

I'm sure he will go along with whatever I manage to say is the quickest and easiest and least painful way to divorce, which would be a simplified divorce, which is something we work out for ourselves, without any help or hindrance from lawyers. And I don't think he would give me a hard time about keeping my own earnings for myself. Deep down inside, he knows the truth.

I just have to get to the point where I am able to stand on my own two feet.