Baby steps are about all I can take, right now. I DO have a good relationship with God, ladies... perhaps not the white-haired old fart in the Michelangelo painting, the old rule-book guy, but God nonetheless.

I am unemployed, unemployable because of my health, although Social Security doesn't agree with my self-assessment... Raul and I had some tearful talking yesterday, and while nothing has been particularly resolved yet, he does understand how much he's hurt me, and he does acknowledge he has failed as a husband in certain ways... amazingly, without trying to tell me that I have failed as a wife in any way.

My health problems have become too much for him. Some of what's wrong with me can become rather disgusting at times. It's hard for me to get around a lot of the time, and it's hard for me to take dealing with doctors. I always do what I can to be there for moral support and all...But instead of trying to facilitate my recovery, he does stuff like spend $100 on a new cell phone, when he knew I needed to go see a doctor that week. Why do men do stuff like that? I wish I knew. Yet in many other ways, he can be the most loving, sensitive, wonderful creature on earth.

He wasn't being honest with me about how things were affecting him. That's why this all came as such a total shock to me.

I know my lifestyle may seem strange to many of you, but up until now, it was working for me. I thought it was working for *us*. It's WAY better than sneaking around behind someone's back in order to get the variety that a person might crave... and it sure seemd that both of us had big enough and expansive enough hearts to be polyamorous. But amazingly, *he* is the one who may not be able to love two people at the same time, not *me.* I would never have believed it in a million years.

I don't know. Maybe the situation will change. I know that *I* have changed in many ways these past few weeks. Only time will tell.....