Hi Dotsie,
In answer to your question - yes and no.

The first time I saw my stepdaughter (now 18) was when she was 8 and was just beginning the survival process of her birth parents' divorce.

My first apartment as a "newlywed" was in the same apartment complex as my now husband's apartment where he lived with his daughter (now my stepdaughter, Kaile) and his stepdaughter (from a previous marriage of his first wife)after the girl's mom left them and the marriage to go live with another man. It wasn't until after my husband and I were dating and discussing our pasts that we realized that we used to live in a 90 degree angle of each other. I never knew his name, only that he was the "thorn in my flesh" and "jesus freak" (b/c of the bumper sticker on his car) whose schnauzer on more than one occassion about became kibble for my German Shepherd.

Anyways, I used to sit on my porch watching, Kaile, as an 8 year old play and ride her bike. Even then, God gave me a special bond with her. I would watch her play and see disappointment easily come to her face when others would let her down, or her older sister and the older kids would pick on her. I found myself praying for Kaile even then and had feelings of desiring to encourage her - just as I do today.

When her father and I began dating when Kaile was 12 1/2, I REALLY began to pray for Kaile. It is unbelievable the hurt a child from a divorced family faces at various stages in their lives.

Because Kaile is not my biological daughter and I respect the relationship of her biological mom and dad, there are many things I do differently with Kaile than with my own biological children who are much younger.

Mostly the differences are in areas of discipline. I do not feel that I have the authority to ground Kaile, or remove privileges from her. I defer to Mike, my husband and Kaile's dad and ensure that he is handling the discipline directly for Kaile and that it is up to him and Kaile's birth mom to be a united front, if possible, in the discipline of Kaile. I support Mike's decisions in this area, while communicating to him what I feel would be appropriate.

However, re: Kayleigh, who is Mike's (my husband's) stepdaughter, we operate differently. Kayleigh does not have any contact with her birth father and he is not involved in her life and since Mike has been her "father" since she was 2, He is daddy and he disciplines her. Even with Kayleigh =) I still struggle with submission and letting Mike discipline.

It was funny - well sort of - but a few weeks ago, Mike and I were talking and I was in a particularly stressed mood about having to seemingly constantly correct Kayleigh, and Mike's response was "let me do it, then." I started arguing, "but you don't do it, so then I have to." He smiled and said, "give me five seconds to do it." I was struck silent (not easy to do) and realized that so many times I "jump" in immediately to correct behavior instead of literally "counting to five" to let Mike do it and then I thought I had the right to be upset that he didn't help in discipline? AS IF! =)

We've been practicing the 5-second-let-Daddy-do-it disciplining technique, and I have found that the stressors of discipline have decreased tremendously.

=) Amazing what happens when we let Dad be Dad.

Summing it up, with all three kids, we have expectations that are age and maturity level appropriate, we work on a reward system, family time is important as well as individual time and "date" times where where "date" either as husband/wife or Dad/Son, Dad/Daughter, Mom/Son, or Mom/Daughter.

Is it easier with the 2 & 6 year old than with the 18 year old - of course - but there are so many "blended family" issues that come into play with our oldest daughter that interfere with parenting and stepparenting the way we do uninhibitedly with our 2 & 6 year old.