Well... I have to disagree a tiny bit... my calmness has a great deal to do with the medicine! A great deal to do with the prayers going out for me as well... but the medicine is a very significant factor.

I would not be making the "I" statements without it, I don't think. Depression and other mental illnesses run on both sides of my family. Something in our brains fails to balance out the brain chemical cycles -- the root cause of many awful symptoms.

I HAVE been out of control. Not excusing Raul's behavior, but I've needed help that I wasn't getting.

I don't know about the whole Love business. I've totally had it with romance for the time being. I've got to work on being me, having my own destiny, learning more about who I am, before I even think of trying to join my life to someone else's. In fact, the thought of a new relationship is actually revolting to me at this moment.

You're right, my dear, though, that there is old stuff that needs to move out of the way before the new stuff can come to me. Now that I am not reliving the shrieking horrors of my childhood every second of the day and night, I can grasp that, almost embrace that. There IS a new life on its way. I can feel it.

You see, I didn't realize that all the abandonment issues, starvation issues, feeling completely crushed by my parents' rejection, and a thousand other horrors, had not been put to rest inside my heart. I thought I had released all that. Either I had not really dealt with all of it, or I just had a complete nervous breakdown and began reliving thememories, which are unfortunately totally intact inside my brain. Instead of 30 and 40 years ago, all the abuse felt like it had just happened yesterday, and it was happening again today, without any intervening years or therapy or anything. That I had gone from my father's abusive house to my mother's abusive house, dirctly to Raul's abusive house, in an unbroken line of mental cruelty and so forth. Not that Raul was physically abusive to me, but being rejected and disowned once again was just similar enough to re-ignite those awful feelings.

So... here I am. Calmly looking at options. Hoping for something good. Please keep those prayers coming!

Hugs,
Lil