Y'know, it's funny Lil, but there's definitely a spectrum of -- well, for lack of a better word --"normality." In my own circles I'm considered a bit of a "rebel" and an iconoclast...have been outright labeled as such.

But in reality I'm deeply conservative on certain issues/levels. I think both the way that others see me (as a "rebel") and the way that I actually am (inwardly conservative) are both products of local perspective: Lancaster County is a pretty conservative place from outside standards.

So, while locally I am on a tilt with standards, out in the larger world I am probably a bit -- to borrow a phase from Dotsie -- "pollyanna."

I see in your post a lot of blame on your husband for the failure of your marriage yet you accepted -- even fostered -- the distance that's now apparent to you. By that I mean entering into a marriage the vows of which weren't held sacred from the start.

Maybe you didn't use the "conventional" vows when you wed, but I've always taken a lot of stock in words like "forsaking all others." I think one woman is meant to cleave to one man partly for the exact reason you're painfully experiencing now: the brokeness and human carnage left behind by taking a different route.

That's probably my conservative Lancaster County upbringing talking in part, but I've a brother who tried an open marriage -- didn't last. In fact, I've yet to meet anyone who's had an open marriage and it "lasted." I mean, what is there to last anyway? By it's very definition an open marriage yields at the outset the very intimacy anticipated in a "standard" marriage.

It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too -- to maintain some level of mental or spiritual or emotional intimacy while forsaking physical intimacy. I think the two are deeply linked. Sex is not just an act -- or shouldn't be -- it is a covenant of sorts between a husband and wife.

I guess what I'm not understanding is your feeling of betrayal. It seems to me your bittertness hinges on words more than actions and what I mean by that is -- your husband "says" he loves another and this wounds you deeply, but his "act" of loving another (physically) is supposedly totally cool with you. It doesn't add up -- doesn't make sense in my world.

And please let's not compare life to the Jerry Springer show. I won't even watch that trash. If you do, please start to feed your mind and soul with something more meaningful!

Yours is a tough situation because I want to ask how you can only "blame" one party in an affair for having the affair in the first place (when it takes two to tango) -- but yet IS it an affair if you sanctioned it? I mean, what are the rules in your life?

Essentially, as far as I am hearing, you are saying the rule is as follows: "Dear husband, go ahead and make love to my best friend -- I'll even invite her to move in with us -- but just don't "fall" in love with her." Is that it?

Well, it's ludicrous, Lil.

Maybe no one else here feels the same way I do or maybe they don't want to speak up if they do, but I feel I have to tell it like I see it. I am trying to bear in mind Dotsie's motto that friends heal friend. I want to check my motives here and try to be semi-sure of the ground from which I speak. But advice and talk is a funny thing. People don't usually need to listen when they're sorting things out; they need to be listened TO.

*sigh*

I WANT to listen, but feel I'm having a hard time doing so non-judgementally because you seem to be coming from a view of life that's almost diametrically opposed to mine. So in truth the most I'd probably manage to do is make you more staunchly defend your view.

In the end, the only basic common ground I see is this: you must begin to heal, whatever that means for you as an individual, taking whatever steps that goal will require of you. You have already taken some wee steps in just such a direction, but I think you are fooling yourself a bit about how far you think you've come in so short a time.

It would be difficult -- from the intersection of life where you are standing -- not to have some bitterness, but please begin to recognize a few small things:

-- You will need to begin feeding yourself positive rather than self-defeating and hurtful messages, but this doesn't mean putting down others to build yourself up.

-- You will need to accept personal responsibility for the choices you've made in life. No one other than YOU has brought your life to the moment in your life in which you are standing. No one.

-- You may feel robbed of much, but know you can never be robbed of your soul, your intrinsic integrity, nor you ability to make certain choices. Strap all three together, hoist them on your back, and make the best possible decisions you can as each new day arrives -- while feeding yourself the most self-affirming messages you can muster.

garrie
your friendly neighborhood pseudo-psycho-therapist!