Jabber, I went through the same thing after my brother died. I was SO SURE that God was going to heal my brother that I refused to leave his bedside even after he had died in my arms...I was sure that God was going to send him back. I was devastated beyond words when it became clear that he was really and irrevocably gone. And I became so enraged with God, because I believed at the time (and still find it difficult not to believe) that He had given me every indication that everything would work out to good...which I took to mean "healing". I was disillusioned, bitter, furious and, boy, did I let God have it...I raged at Him, I accused Him of misleading me, I threw every swear word, all my bitterness, everything in my heart at Him. I swore I'd never believe or trust Him again.

And then things started happening. Little things. Tender loving things that were unmistakenly His doing...He knew I'd know it, and He was relentless in it. I think I shared here about my mended jeans...I didn't share it with too many people because it seemed so absurd, but it was by far the most tender moment I've ever had in my entire life with anyone. The short version is that my favourite pair of black jeans had a hole in the knee, put there by a relative's dog. When I packed the jeans in my suitcase, I noticed that the hole was getting bigger, and frayed, and remember thinking to myself that I'd have to figure out a way to mend them soon or the hole would be too big. The next morning, I took the jeans out of the suitcase and put them on. Went downstairs to the full length mirror, and screamed...the hole was completely gone! Hubby remembers the hole (he was there when the dog put it there). Both knees were perfect, not even a thread out of place...no sign whatsoever that there had ever been a hole there.

I was beside myself, because I KNEW Who had done it, but couldn't fathom why. So I asked Him...with all the sorrow and catastrophies in the world, why would He bother to mend a silly pair of jeans. His answer was clear, as if He was in the room with me. He said, "Because you were starting to believe that I didn't care about you. I want you to know that I care about everything about you, right down to the hole in your favourite jeans. You will not be able to explain this away. You will never again be able to say 'God doesn't care about me', because these mended jeans will always be a clear and indisputable reminder to you how much I truly care about you - you are Mine, I love you more than you can imagine, and you can talk with Me about anything - there is nothing - NOTHING - that is too small or insignificant."

This moment changed my life forever. I realized once again that true Love really doesn't depend on what a person does or doesn't do...I love God, not for what He does or doesn't do for me, I simply love Him for Being, the same way He loves me. That's a totally different level of love. I still have questions, I still get angry at His silence, I still don't understand - but I know without doubt that He does care and that somewhere in the midst of the chaos and pain, He's working it all out according to a bigger picture that I can't see yet.

You are not ostracized by God...and I know that He must be trying to find ways (He'll use anything and everything to break through) to show you that He's still and always will be your God...pure Love lives for the beloved...somewhere in all your chaos and pain, He's rooting you on and loving you through this.