Orchid, dealing with the tragedy of suicide is unimaginably painful. The ripple effect of suicide is brutal and wounding to everyone it touches. Your grief is compounded by the agony of those "what ifs" and perhaps you're right, perhaps those never completely go away. The grief journey for me after each loss (my Dad, Mom and brother most significantly) has been about 3-5 years, with triggers even now, 9-10 years later. The hole and sense of loss never goes away. And it's so fresh for you right now, it will be inconceivable to you that you'll ever feel better or that the world will ever seem right to you. Be compassionate with yourself and this grief.

It's probably too soon, but someday I wonder if it might help to talk with people who have tried to commit suicide and survived. Like me. I can tell you that when I was in the act of taking my own life, it was nobody else's fault, nobody did or didn't do anything that was a factor in my decision. I had been depressed for so long, even been in hospital for treatment for 3 months, and still nothing was working. I simply wanted the pain to end. It wasn't so much that I wanted to die as I wanted the pain and relentless voices in my head to stop. I don't think that at that point anyone could have convinced me not to do it. One of the truths about suicide is that it's a very selfish act. I was obsessed and absolutely convinced that it was the only way now, since nothing else had worked. That's how depression works, it wraps you in a shroud of darkness that nothing and nobody can penetrate.

Very few are comfortable talking about suicide. I am. If you ever need to talk about it, ask questions, please use me and my unique insight into it.