Judy, I think the anniversaries do trigger the stuff that we haven't been able to heal yet. Everytime I feel that regret, I try to remember that I was able to use what I learned from Mom's experience and apply it to my brother when he went through his cancer in 2006/2007. We were much more vocal in demanding dignity and thorough investigation with him. And we made sure that there was no DNR on his record (it was enough that his family knew his wishes...we decided to leave it off his official record and we dealt with that decision only when we absolutely had to.)

It's really sad when we encounter medical staff who treat patients as disposable non-entities. Thankfully, I've since met many who are caring, thorough, nurturing and aware of the dignity of each person regardless of prognosis. In some cases, I think we have to draw that out of them, remind them, advocate for loved ones (and for ourselves as well) and not settle for less. As in almost anywhere else, squeaky wheels get the grease and I've had to learn to be a squeaky wheel when it really counts.

I hope you're able to find healing and peace with your Mom's experience. It was a very sad and tragic passage for her and for you. I really believe that we can and must find and give forgiveness, not only to anyone who has caused the pain and anger, but also forgive ourselves because somewhere deep inside of us, we're still blaming ourselves for what happened. But we're not meant to carry that guilt and burden forever. At some point, we have to relinquish it and allow ourselves to be forgiven and to move on and focus on happier memories. Easier said than done. But we're all works-in-progress, and for you and I, finding peace, forgiveness and healing is part of that progress.