Dearest Poppie, my heart and thoughts are with you. I can't type much because i'm using a tiny keyboard, i'll write more when i get home to my regular computer. I don't know if it would help to know that others (like me) have been there and come out okay. Just like any other illness takes time to treat and heal, so too (or perhaps even more so), mental imbalances take perhaps even more time, because there's so much trial and error involved in trying new meds. Be patient and compassionate with yourself, your body and your mind, which is being buffeted by chemical imbalances beyond its control. I know this is going to sound trite (remember i've been exactly where you are), but if I could offer just one direction to focus on, I'd point you toward practising gratitude, only because it gives you something positive to focus your mind on and maybe give it a break from focusing on the negative nothingness that mental illness wants to drown us in. Try writing out one new thing every so often, one new thing that you DO have...feet, hands, teeth, eyes, ears, running water, a warm bed...use your creativity. It won't cure you, but it will help bring wee bit of light into your mind, and maybe each wee bit of light will lead eventually to enough to ladder you out of the darkness completely.

Most importantly, don't beat yourself up...you're doing fine, it just takes time to get those brain imbalances back to stable ground. Be gentle with you. Let love warm you. xoxox