Cathi, you have touched my heart and I have no choice but to respond (not that others are not worthy!)

First of all, once you have established a pattern of being the shoulder to cry on/fixer/dependable one, it can be very difficult to break the pattern, even if it would be better for all involved. The great thing is that you realize it and are already taking steps to turn down the drama and intrusiveness.

Good for you for turning off your phone at work! Your relatives should not be bothering you with their squabbles anyway, which leads me to:

Who's got the problem? If your aunts are fighting with each other, that's their problem, not your problem. I'm not saying that to be selfish and uncaring. ESPECIALLY if it's something ridiculous, let them work it out on their own and refuse to be drawn into it. The world will not tip off its axis.

I can assure you you'll feel strange the first time you listen to a tale of woe, murmur that you hope they straighten things out, and quit. But it's completely fair, so do it. Do not keep talking but be polite, if that makes sense. They'll hve to find someone else to get worked up with.

Remember that you cannot change others. If your relatives are determined to fight with each other, let them do it -- but you do not have to get involved or take sides. They will not like this, but that is their problem, not your problem. Again, who's got the problem?

To tell you the truth, once your relatives learn that you are not really interested in who forgot to bring the salad to the potluck or return a phone call, they just might stop bugging you so much.

By the way, you do not have to justify or defend your actions, so don't let yourself get worn out trying to get others' permission to do what you want. (That's actually what we are doing when we get into long discussions about whether or not we should do something.) If you don't want to visit your relative in Utah, don't do it and don't talk about it. "We'll see," or "maybe next time" is plenty. If you keep explaining or justifying, others will always think of some little hole to dig their way in. Some silence is very powerful.

Decide what true emergencies are and remember that everything else is open for evaluation. To me, true emergencies are things like medical emergencies or the house on fire or a car wreck or huge amounts of water spraying everywhere. Everything else, even if it seems like a big deal at the moment, is likely not an emergency. Save your big energies for the emergencies, your medium energies for things that are urgent, and only give your tiny energies to the little stuff.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow people to browbeat you or curse at you. If this starts to happen, either invent an interruption -- someone's at the door -- or, if the cursing starts, say 'we'll take this up another time' and end the call immediately. You are obviously a nice, sensitive person and will be very shaky the first time you do this, but hold your ground. You might be surprised at the other person calling to apologize fairly soon. And if they don't apologize, they can darn sure wait until they calm down enough to speak decently. (And yes, I have had this happen to me.) This is not your problem that they are cursing at you; it's their problem.

I hope anything I said has some positive effect and is taken as support. You are welcome to pm me anytime.

Ellemm