I've been trying to listen to the "new reality" that BWS has become. I simply don't know how to fit in here anymore. BWS has been my home for many years. I would go so far as to say that it's quite possible that I could not have made it through the past few years without BWS and the women who loved me back to life here. So many of you have radically changed my life and given me the courage and strength to conquer the quicksand that has forever loomed too close for comfort. I've been on a mission of sorts over the past few months, to change my focus from all that I've lost to all that is still here in my life. It's taken a great deal of courage, self-talk, tears and stubborn perseverence to stay positive, because every fibre of my being aches every single moment of the day with intolerable sadness and agony-of-absence. There are not enough words to describe the excruciating pain of the past 2 years. And why would I even want to inflict that on anyone anyway. It's enough that you have all been here throughout Gary's demise and death, and that you have been more than patient as I have struggled with this intolerable endless grief.

I do feel like I've turned the corner. Only to find that after all that hard work and diligent refocusing, I seem to have lost my footing here. I try to fit in, but so many of my posts seem to fall flat and seem to stop the conversations from continuing. It's to be expected that somebody's post has to be the last one in a conversation, but lately, it seems to be mine that stop the flow, and that makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't want to intrude or interfere in the flow, I just want to participate like everyone else.

One can only take so many dead ends before she starts to question the "why" of that. I don't want my presence or voice to ever be a party-pooper here. Sometimes I feel like my input is more intrusive than welcome or helpful. If it is, I need to know. Maybe the grief has changed the tone of my voice, or maybe the sadness leaks out despite all my efforts. I don't know. I don't know what to do.