But it is different. Not better or excusable, but different. (And please let me say good on you for recognizing your situation and eventually getting out of it). Domestic violence tells me partner, often love connection, ongoing verbal or physical abuse, victim often blamed or blames herself, shame at admitting it, often refuses to cooperate with law enforcement because of emotional attachments and lack of resources.

But, you know, people already know this is violence; because of their own histories or phychological situation they don't respond to it the way they'd respond to a smacking by a stranger. If some stranger belted you in a store you'd likely press charges, no question. You wouldn't be wondering what you did to deserve that black eye or try to hide the results from your relatives -- or tell the police that you were sure he'd stop. But just as we don't treat our family members the same way we treat outsiders, we have these complicated emotional feelings about abuse that occurs from someone we know.

Maybe you are correct, though: if we just referred to it as violence we might raise the bar: the batterers could expected to be tried -- no excuses that their religion permits it or they were being nagged -- and the victims would be expected to treat the assaults just as they would something from a stranger. No hiding and no pretending it was nothing.

Right now, though, -- even though it doesn't happen enough, we know that women who are abused need extra help in breaking the cycle of abuse (men too when they are the battered ones) -- and these folks should get it. You know, that's why a lot of states have passed laws permitting the the batterer to be prosecuted without help from the victim -- because someone has to step in and often the victim just can't find it in herself to do it because of fear of consequences. We have a long way to go, that's for sure.