Mama, I don't know how to express my gratitude for your post. Your heartfelt sharing has touched my heart and I'm taking it all to prayer/meditation/heart.

Everyone's posts here are helping, like a giant jigsaw puzzle, and giving renewed strength and perseverance. I needed that! I can see that this isn't a quick-fix or a case where all of the puzzle pieces are just magically going to fit into place. I need to somehow overcome the medical red tape and gather more resources to make this happen.

Dotsie, I've endured the same sort of comments as your MIL...if you only had enough faith, you wouldn't be depressed...sometimes I do get a glimpse of how that could be true at a higher level of consciousness, that we've been provided with everything we need to regenerate ourselves. But the reality of day-to-day human life is that we are working with bodies that go haywire and break down. Some break down via diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer...others break down via depression. Depression isn't caused by lack of faith and certainly isn't because of any lack of wanting to feel better. It's baffling, frustrating, debilitating and real.

Mama's right, I have to cut myself some slack and stop beating myself up for spiraling again. That happens with depression, it's not surprising given all that's happened in our lives over the past couple of years - and I've always known it was a possibility and have prepared myself with the roadmap and resources to get out, like previous times. I need to go back to focusing on "what is" and not on what's not, and just take this one day at a time.

The group will be a welcome resource. It probably won't have an opening until April, but we have Cuba to look forward to between now and then.