Mama Red, your post is indeed a much-needed validation and encouragement. I've read about the Law of Resonance, and have been trying to figure out how to fix/change/erradicate those "scripted voices/stories that seem to hang on as tenaciously as barnacles to the bottom of the docked boat!" (very apt description!) What it's ended up doing is increasing my fear, because I've gotten myself into a vicious cycle of diligently working to rewire myself and rewrite those scripts, then realizing over and over again that the underlying "resonance" is still one of despair and fear, and then slipping bit by bit into a sense of futility - and then starting all over again. Never moving ahead by more than one or two improved ways of thinking, which is progress, but not enough to improve my quality of living. But the fear now is that this underlying resonance will do irreparable damage before I figure out how to fix it, which is irrational but could be reactionary to so much loss in such a short time...now I know all too well how short life is and that every day that I don't figure this out is one day less to live the way I want to.

It ought to be easy to simply declare one's choice and then live it. I do that, I believe and live "as if", but still, always, that underlying resonance steals my peace and joy. The concern now is that it's beginning to manifest itself phsyiologically, which it hasn't done before.

But hubby is FINALLY aware, I mean fully aware, of the gravity of it. He's always been supportive at the basic level, but has not really understood nor been interested in understanding "depression" or how much fear and anxiety have debilitated me (and so much of that stems directly from an ongoing situation in his life that impacts both of us on a daily basis, but has devastated me in many irreparable ways).

Anyway, knowing what one needs and getting it are two different issues. I've been pleading with my doctor for a referral to this anxiety support group for well over a year now, but this is the first time that she's taken me seriously enough to promise to fill out the paperwork. It's my hope that once I'm in "the system", I'll be able to find a good spiritually-based therapist and other resources. The Canadian health system has a good reputation outside of Canada, but the reality is that it sucks big-time if you're on the outside trying to get in. Nothing works, nobody responds, nothing gets done without the support and referral power of the doctor. Even when I present my doctor with the research and contact numbers, she doesn't follow up. And it's impossible to find another doctor, we've tried.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on and on. I appreciate your post so much. It helps me to feel more empowered to continue searching for the way through.