Lionspaaw, I have walked the path you are on. I lost my son too and know your pain. I have seen my husband deal with things in much the same way as yours. It is heartbreaking for us to grieve it is often worse to watch the ones we love grieve too. We grieve for our loss, both our child and the life we were supposed to have with them. Some days I swear I can look just to the right of me and see clearly the life I was supposed to have where my son was healthy and full of life. It is hard and to say it gets easier does little to dull the pain you feel especially during the holidays. I've somehow managed to learned to love all around the empty place in my heart that was my son's. I surround him with all the love only a mother has for her son and hope in some small way he still feels it. He may be gone but I will never stop being his mother or loving him.
I'm a little further down the path of this terrible journey after loosing a child and I can only say from my own experience it tooks me years before I found a sense of peace that his short life had meaning. I still learn from him everday. I remember to laugh like he did...until my sides hurt. I remember to take risks and be wild even if it makes me look like a fool. My husband can seldom say his name now even after many many years. That is how he gets through. I hug him when I know he's walking memory lane just to let him know I know what he's thinking. It's all we can do. My heart is with you.
Kira