Well, I have been remiss. I have been missing. I dropped out for a while, not realizing that there was important work being done at BWS. Mustang, that's so true about trauma being like a barbed wire fence. DJ, what a scarey situation for you. It's understandable that you would think it was a fake, because who would do such a thing for real? Gims, I am concerned about what you are thinking in terms of not talking about things. I'm sorry, but I guess I don't understand. Breathing Again, I'm sorry for what you and your daughter experienced. 6 years old! I think what you are describing is called "learned helplessness." We lose our power to abusers. Abusers let us think that we are nothing without them, or nothing period. We are conditioned to not ask for help. You know, I never quite understood the phrase: "They did the best they could with what they had and knew at the time." In some ways I think that is true of my mother. But I can't understand that in terms of my father and step father. I mean, the best they could do was beat, berate, and belittle? For my own good? Because they LOVED me? Eagle, I have read your book and your posts for years, and not until your post above did I understand that you suffered from verbal/emotional abuse. I think you did not explore this in your book. As far as an abuser being dead-to-you, I guess that can be so, even if he is still living, but I swear the ghost of him lingers forever. Even if he is really dead. And, dead or alive, it is the most irksome irony that they go on, here or hereafter, as if nothing ever happened. And, it did not just happen. It was no accident. Talk about "interpretation process." Tonight my husband is being especially devoted: serving me wine, making me pizza, replacing batteries, fixing umbrella, and telling me he knows how unhappy he'd be without me. And I ask him, "Why are you being so nice to me?" After 20 years of marriage, I have to ask? Those of you who are recovering from the ramifications of abuse, tell me, please, do you ever, ever let your guard down? L, PL xxoo missed you all