Thank you for your reply, Princess. I´ve had a crazy busy week..including a head bonk that gave me a concussion with aftermath for 2 days! And yesterday I had my eye op. So I am a bit battered and torn..and haven´t had the energy or time to check in.

But now I have read your answer and given it some thought..mind games. My father was VERY good at mind games! He could turn and twist anything I said..which was very difficult since I was his daughter and so much younger than he.

Sexual abuse, for me. entails 2 people..when it happens in the near family..both the person who does it and the person who turns a blind eye..in this case, my mother. She also, then played her games..as I now see by what you have written. She "organized" so that I was sent to boarding school..a Catholic one, run by nuns..to be away from my father. She never talked about what happened. Not during the time..or anytime after. I have tried to talk with her about it..to somehow understand how she could let my father remain as a part of our family..living at home. I am the only child, by the way. I sincerely wanted to understand her thinking..but we never talked about it..as she never wanted to. It was almost as tho it never happened as the years went by.

My father did talk about it..as I wrote..HE wanted to and so we did. But I see now that he was just trying to excuse himself..not really own up to what happened and what it did to me..and still does.

"Soul murder"..I have called my experience just that. Interesting. I remember discussing "sin" with my x-hubby..I maintained that actions that kill the soul are more serious and deadly to a person than physical acts..like unfaithfulness..I never really realized where I was coming from..but now I know. I had my "soul murdered"..my spirit..many many years ago. And it´s a very tough thing to live with..with part of your soul always bleeding.

My father lived many years after the McCarthy era..he died in 2003 or 4.

My father went to the psyciatrist because he was suffering from depression..the reason my mother gave for why he drank and did what he did..whatever it was. My father stopped drinking when I was 18..but his personality and the man he was, remained.

It´s not hard to hear, Princess..it liberating. Because I am going deeper and perhaps able to see and feel how my parents have manipulated me..and given me oh, so many guilt feelings..along with the Catholic church..and another religion, later on in my life. I am often riddled with self disgust and guilt and self-judgement..I am working on getting rid of these feelings..but they come when I am tired and out of sorts myself. But maybe this is true of many people actually?? I don´t really know.

You know, Princess..I thought I was healed from this..but I see now that alot of what I have been feeling stems from this "soul murder". I suppose that even some of the problems that I had in my marriage come from this time..my poor x-hubby!

And then I want to forgive..be free of it all..and just go on. But it rears its ugly head more often than I have understood. Should I think that my mother knew no better? After all, she was mothering me in the 50´s and 60´s..and then incest was NEVER talked about. My mother did her best..in her own way..is that it?