Nevadaangel, can you untangle some of the feelings to see what all's at play...50 is a huge landmark...you can feel both a wondrous sense of accomplishment at having landed there at all, and at the same time, feel a terrible sense of time having slipped away from you far too quickly. Lots of life to look back on, lots to contemplate on the road ahead.

Any idea what's swirling around in that mixture for you?
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When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)