I'm part of the "club," too, I'm afraid. I also had a mother who was not able to be my mom for most of my childhood, and even for a good deal of my adulthood as well. She had rotten marriages to my father and stepfather, and that was after suffering many years of depression and other severe emotional problems. We tried to make up for the time lost, but what we should have tried to do was to start fresh. Mom wasn't the kind of person who could really do that, nor was she the kind of person you could really work things out with in a totally honest way most of the time.

Anyway, for a very long time, I hated the whole concept of Mother's Day, Father's Day, and almost all the holidays. I have a double reason to mourn the holidays, as my own relationship with my son and his father became horrible as well. It's taken a long time, but I'm finally able to face most of the holidays minus most of the melancholy.

I'll tell you what, though, ladies... I don't believe that anybody really dies... don't we remember our loved ones, and don't they at least live in our hearts? I would say... and I'm not an expert on getting through grief by any means...that if it would be a comfort to you to buy a Mother's Day Card, one that you surely would have gotten if your Mom was still on earth, you just go right ahead and do it. If folks can dedicate a building on a college campus or a wing of a hospital to someone who has passed on, surely one of us can dedicate a card, a bunch of flowers, or a special meal to someone who has passed on. I, personally, am confident that the person you are missing will get the message. OK, call me Kooky, but I believe this is true.

I dream about my mother all the time, and our interactions is finally peaceful and sane. I have only dreamed about my fatheronce, and the interaction was as sane as it ever got... I believe that these dreams are a gift from God, a way that we reach across the void and make peace with one another.

I pray for my son, even though I have no way to contact him. Sometimes I look at funny cards that I might have gotten for him, were we still in contact with one another. I don't buy them, but I do remember the fun I used to have giving them to him, and how much fun he would have opening that rare piece of mail... and I know that we had at least that connection. It's sort of a way, in my mind, to spiritually keep the door open, just in case we can somehow mend or make peace.

I just don't think that just because someone is absent from my life right now, that they are completely gone from my life. That includes the dead folks I've known....

I did a sort of ritual on my first Mother's Day without my mom (or my son, for that matter). It helped me to find peace in letting go of them in a healthy way. At least, it helped me get through that day without having myself committed! And yes, I do pretty much the same thing with Mother's Day cards that I do with birthday cards and such -- think how much Mom would have liked them. I sort of give them to her in spirit.

Anyway, I hope these ramblings are helpful.

Hugs & Blessings,
Lil