Girlfriend....I can totally relate to this!!

Mother's Day is VERY hard for me for several reasons. I hope I can convey to you how I feel and actually post it.......scarry.

First I should say that May 11th is my Birthday. Every 6 years I think it is, I have my birthday on Mother's Day. Thus it was this year. Now I don't want anyone thinking I am ungrateful. I do think things like, how cool it was that I was born on a year when it was on Mother's Day. I also think that I was truely a pain in the butt.....well close enough!! That makes me laugh actually.

However, there are much stronger feelings that seem to drive those good ones deep within. I feel sad every Mother's Day, cause well I lost my momma so long ago. I never got to have her at my First Wedding.....and won't be there for my second if I ever get around to that. I've not been able to just call her on the phone for advice like others do their moms. I was not able to share pain and happiness with her.

See......my mom actually physically died when I was 22 years old. But!! She was severely mentally ill. When I was a child she was emotionally and mentally unavailable to be my mommy. I was taken away from her custody due to her illness when I was 9 years old, only to see her once more for a few hours when I was 18 years old. Oh I still loved and adored her.....we do that naturally ...she is my momma. So anyway, even when I had here alive, she really was not able to be, well like most momma's are. And then to loose her at such a young age.

Well I guess we all experience different but simular pain when it comes to loss. Most especially when it is our very own mother. And yes that makes the holiday tradition of Mother's Day very painful!!

There is one more pain for me, associated with mothers day. Sorry for being so long winded, but I guess this all just needed to come out. For me there is a double duty pain......and that is that I was unable to be a mom. I was not able to have children and I so desperately wanted them.......I wanted the opportunity to love my babies in a way my momma could not do for me. Why truely God never saw fit to make me a mom...I do not know why.......and I don't blame God, I just don't understand, why when there are so many miricles in this world, why I could not just have that one? To give birth. I wish I could know what it is like to feel that baby growing inside me. Then there is all the excitement in getting ready for that special little one to come. Shopping for all the stuff you know? I wanted to experience that closeness and bond that is undenying.....to give a gift to the world with all my love.

So you see.......for me Mother's Day is more close to Bakers Chocolate than Bitter-sweet! I can SO SO relate to the grief associated. I am in your club, Dotsie.

I know no one's loss is any greater or lesser, only a different experience.

Love and Hugs to all of you who experience this kind of pain and grief. I do know that we are some how stronger for surviving it.

Well?? Nuff said......thanks for letting me share such heart felt things with you lovely women.