Smoking is a horrible, horrible addiction. I know. I've been smoking for around 35 years, having started at the age of 12 or 13. I've managed to quit three times (once for 8 months and twice for 3 months), and am in the process of trying to begin the process again. I just can't seem to get started this time. It's a love/hate relationship with me. I love to smoke/I hate to smoke. I think part of me is also scared that if I do quit, I'll end up with lung cancer shortly afterwards. I know that makes no sense, but that's part of my problem with it.

I've also learned how powerful of an addiction it really is. Nobody in their right mind other than an addict would continue to smoke after what I've been through. At the age of 28 and approximately two years later, I suffered spontaneous lung collapses (pneumothorax) of my left lung. The second time it happened, I required lung surgery where they cauterized all the holes in my lung and moved my lung over (pleurectomy and thoracotomy). Did I quit? No. Tell me that's not addiction.

Honestly, for the most part, I'm very happy with who I am and what I've become -- but my biggest frustration with myself is my seeming inability to conquer my health and fitness concerns. Perhaps "conquer" isn't the correct word, because I can't even begin -- which is what landed me at this forum to begin with -- I was looking for a coach or SOMETHING in my area to get me motivated to make real changes in my life in that department.

My mother was a heavy smoker and was diagnosed with emphysema approximately three years ago. She quit cold turkey. I really admire her and the changes she has made in her life, but at the same time -- it makes me feel worse that I can't seem to get going in the right direction. Ugh.

Perhaps we need a smokers anonymous group here -- where we can all choose a quit date and be accountable and available to each other. I don't know. I'm running out of ideas with this.