Smilie....thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I think what I fear the most is being paralyzed; doing nothing. It's not a place I get too often but occasionally I feel overwhelmed and trapped in a situation that I've evidently allowed and probably helped to flourish in my caring.
I just keep waking up thinking "How did this happen?" "How did I get here?" But the negatives build, stone upon stone, just like a bank account would if I could find a way to hold on to two nickels at a time. I tend to think that everything could be pretty much solved with money but of course that would be way too simple. So then I ask myself.... if I had money, would it make my happy. Well, as shallow as it sounds, yes, but of course no. If I didn't have all the bills and the mortgage to take care of, I would probably be a lot more relaxed and be able to let life unfold, but since that isn't the case, I feel like I'm grasping for any kind of control. Over anything. (so I ate mashed potatoes last night)(very bad on Atkins).
I don't know that I trust (today anyway) my ability to change anything. I thought I had backbone but maybe I don't. But I figure I'll give myself some time with AlAnon and regroup.
It's 5:30 in the morning and I haven't slept in hours so this may not make any sense whatsoever. I find that the only place I find peace is either at work, with my children (for the most part) or when I'm drawing or painting and am immersed in thought. Things that need to be done with my house, painting, fence work, tree trimming, etc. are overwhelming and I can't afford it; my husband has applied for Social Security which is another issue in itself, so at the moment there's absolutely no income from him and it could be like that for 6 months, the mortgage still needs to be paid every month, the same with the utilities and my kids still want to eat. I'm a little angry because I had planned on going to visit my mother and grandmother this weekend and after tossing and turning for hours, I realize that I can't. We just can't afford it. We live about 6-7 hours away and the car issue is something that always comes up. Things need to be done on our car, or we could rent one, either way, it's money that should be spent on the gas bill, the light bill......whatever. And is it difficult for me to place blame....oh heck no...that's not difficult... and have I figured out how to process this......oh heck no. And that's where the book comes in - how to let that resentment not flow into every other thing that is good and wonderful and lovely in my life.
Obviously, I haven't talked about those at all.
And a good morning to you!