Lillian~ You sound so much better today than you did the other day.

Sometimes life can just take it out of us, can't it?

Most days I figure I can do anything but every once in a while I have a day where I wonder why I EVER think that. I mean - sometimes I look at my situation and I think, "what the hell am I thinking?" - but most days, I try to make what works work.

I think my husband is headed for a rehab. We'll talk to our doctor Monday and see what the plan is. However, if THAT isn't in the forseeable future ... I may have to make some other plan.

In the meantime, I humor myself. I think about all the wonderful things I can do today.

... I could make burritos and go give them out at the downtown park to bums.

... I think about the 15 pounds I lost and how swell it feels when I lay on my side at night and feel my hip bone.

... never mind that my stomach still pooches out, it's the hip bone that's important at the moment.

... and maybe it will benefit my future husband ... who knows? Maybe I'll have one if this one doesn't get it together.

... or I think about taking him up to the mountains and leaving him there chained to a tree for a week.....I may or may not go back to get him.

So I have a mean streak....I wouldn't actually DO any of this stuff but it's a nice way to pass the time....la de dee....

I did enjoy it though when he was out in the front yard all day trimming our fruitless mulberry with a hand saw.... if he was really, really playing with all of his faculties we'd get a chainsaw but he's not, so I won't, and in the meantime, he can just saw, and saw, and saw away. It's 14 times more difficult than is necessary but it's mindless activity and that's about all he's up to right now.

I'm just rambling a bit here..... I had some counselor, last year as a matter of fact, say "gee, do I detect a little hidden resentment here?" I was amazed. I told him it wasn't hidden, it's right out there, what?, he missed it?.

And then... he decided that he would 'validate' me by telling me that I have every right to feel some resentment.... and you know what? I resent THAT. I mean, I know I resent a whole lot of stuff that my husband has done, but I REALLY resent someone telling me that it's okay to resent it. I KNOW that it's okay to resent some things and I process them and move on but I just don't get the whole bit about someone telling me I CAN. Who are they to tell me that? These people know me for what? five minutes, ten minutes and they pretty much figure that they can sum me up, and actually, sum up my husband by having spent a few days with him....well now I've worn myself out on this whole subject.

Okay - truthfully - I figured it out... I just don't feel like going through this whole 'rehab' thing again.... I don't WANT to be involved, I don't WANT to have any heartfelt discussions, or visiting days/hours/minutes, I don't want to have to go there, take him there, think about what he's going to wear at 'camp. Geezeus....I'M THE ONE WHO HOLDS EVERYTHING TOGETHER, I WANT THE VACATION.

That's what I resent. He screws up and he gets another vacation. grr.

Way too long post. I'm so sorry. It had to be done. That's everything in me right now.

Kate

Okay, now this is turning into some kind of rant... but really, any of you professional people who do this for a living can just jump right in here at any time.

I take issue with ' "allowing" 'me to feel a way that I feel. I am just married to someone with a problem, it doesn't mean I was dropped on my head, it doesn't mean I am, have been, or ever will be in the future, stifled in any way.