Thank you, thank you, thank you JJ and dancer! I feel heard and understood. It's confusing and I really have never felt the same since. Even though living in a restrictive lifestyle, it was my life and I had learned to be content. When my pastor husband found another woman I went numb inside and didn't come out until this year. In the meantime, I rebounded, married the guy and he is very opposite than what I was used to all my life. He can be sweet, super caring and very sensitive and then the next moment be hateful, violent and a pervert. How can this be? He is the guy with flowers, who cries easily and loves a lot. Then he can turn cold, be very, very child-like and use his hands to hurt. Everyone out in the world including his work thinks he's the one in a million kind of guy. They could never now. Anyway, I usually cna't be here in the evenings because he's home. He's snoozing in the chair so I came here to post. It's weird, a real Jekyll and Hyde type. Sometimes I can feel so loved and cared for and other times I feel so alone and lost and yet I say nothing. Sometimes I wonder what happened to my life...where did it go? Thank you dear friends for letting me just type it here. It feels scary but liberating at the same time. I don't ever say this to anyone!