Kate, I read myself in your story. I have been battling the same problem for the past 3 yrs. with my son who just turned 23 last month. Until last month I didn't know drugs was the problem. Over the past three years I have paid bills, bought gas and food, clothes, etc for my son. A large portion of every check despite my pleas and warnings that I didn't have a lot of extra money seemed to fall on deaf ears.

He always worked and was a good worker yet suddenly couldn't hold a job. He had a girlfriend that I thought was the problem--she may be a part of the problem but there is much more.

I finally got some counseling for me and they have helped me tremendously. First since he was still living with me, I had to set some strict groundrules and we went over them with him--me, the counselors and my pastor. My son knew there was no excuse if he messed up. Within 3 weeks I had to ask him to leave and he did so without a problem.

I have counseled with these folks several times since because this 'tough love' thing goes against every fiber of motherhood. But it is the best thing for him. My head knows that. My heart breaks when I see him getting so thin or living in his car.

BUT he is 23. These are ALL his choices. Not my fault, not my problem. There is liberating freedom in understanding that. I have decided to move away from here for several reasons. 1. to get back on my feet financially by moving in with my sister. 2. to get away from him, so he can't easily try to manipulate me for money. 3. So I don't have to watch him go through this.

My son has already acknowledged that he understands what I am doing and why. That is a big step.

I know will be hard and he may continue to harass you but you must not give him any more money--just cold turkey, that's it. It will take a while but once he realizes the gravy train has stopped he will begin to change. I also highly recommend some counseling for you--it has really helped me. One thing the counselor told me was that I had a high level of mercy in my personality. When mercy people doesn't have the ability to temper their emotions they become doormats for others who play off that gift by using them and manipulating them. I am currently learning the techniques necessary to temper my mercy giftings. This will be invaluable not only for dealing with my son but will play into all other areas of my life--work, volunteering, etc. Sounds to me like you have a lot of mercy in your personality as well.