Dear BoomerSisters,

Thank you all for your continued warm words of support. It’s been a while since I last posted. Dotsie was so kind to email me and let me know that I was still receiving responses from y’all…

This month marks the one-year anniversary of my traumatic divorce after 20 years of marriage and it has been a year full of happiness, tears, frustration and amazing self-discovery. I have learned much and have the gray hairs to prove it! I have truly found my voice at last, and at the tender age of 53 have finally learned to stand up for myself. I know…it’s about time, but better late than never, right?

And not a moment too soon, either: after everything that I’ve been through I recently found out that my ex ripped me off again, this time on last year’s taxes. For the first time in my life I was able to call him on it without feeling that shaking in the pit of my belly or becoming mentally scattered and unable to coherently respond when I heard his voice or read his emails. I will be bringing him back to court shortly on child-support issues as well. The devious man who set himself up to appear penniless and jobless at our divorce hearing last year has made a miraculous recovery and earned $350,000.00 according to his recent tax returns (which I had the wherewithal to request a copy of). Out of this I received a mere $17,000 in combined spousal and child support, and yet he still kicks and screams and complains every time he has to reimburse me for court-approved child-related expenses. Amazing, no?

He has turned out to be a true sociopath, just as the astute psychologist warned me so many months ago. His ‘relationship’ with his 2 sons is gut-wrenching for me, as a mom, to observe. There is little I can do to intervene at this point (since my kids are teenagers) other than offer them my unconditional love and support and provide them with professional counseling, guidance and patience as needed while they try to figure out how to reconcile the creature that is their biological father and learn how to deal with the only dad they will ever know. They are terrified that they may possess the “psycho” gene and need constant reassurance from me that they are nothing like their father. And yet, they still love him.

Like me, my children have had a difficult year learning how to stand up for themselves. My youngest finally developed a backbone but only after he became ill once again and appeared to suffer what looked like a minor stroke (at the age of 16!) due to toxic mold exposure in his dad’s rental home. It took a spinal tap, two visits to the hospital, multiple scans and MRIs, neurological examinations, general testing, labwork and the illness and subsequent death of our beloved dog (who developed a massive growth - which according to our doctor was most likely caused by his exposure to the mold in the ex’s house as well) before he could bring himself to tell his father that he would no longer set foot in his house unless and until it was remediated and tested to be safe.

My eldest son is volunteering again for the summer with the junior peace corp in Latin America and told me before he left that he is looking forward to spending 7 weeks away from home so that he can decide if he will ever speak to his dad again. This, after he stood up to his father about his and his brother’s health issues and was accused of having no mind of his own…and told that his mother had successfully brainwashed him. Ow. Luckily not something that this kid who has a 4.8 GPA and numerous academic awards and college scholarships was likely to swallow anymore. He told me that he finally understood what it must have felt like for me to endure 20 years of being treated like an idiot by his father.

I have finally found my calling, and I have decided to help women like myself who find themselves on the brink of a major, traumatic transition in their lives. I have been blessed and found a way to start a small business creating holistic health-based products for boomer women and I will hopefully see the first of several product roll-outs by summer’s end. I will keep you posted. I have resumed writing and taking interviews for the book I started on divorce last year (I was finally given the go-ahead by my lawyer now that enough time has passed and the ex cannot petition for any income I might receive from publishing it). I am continually blown-away by our collective boomer girlfriends’ willingness to share their stories and experiences with me so that the rest of us can learn from what they perceive to have been their critical mistakes. I have a long-range project in the works too: I am in the process of setting up an organization for women who are in transition and need outside help, financial or otherwise. This is the project most near and dear to my heart and I have committed to donating a percentage of all my future earnings to setting this up and getting it operational.

I am developing some wonderful relationships with other divorced women my age who understand the importance of having girlfriends and a strong female support network. The other evening we all went to a free outdoor rock concert. We spread blankets out on the grass, took off our sandals and grooved to the music in a way that most of us haven’t allowed ourselves to do since Woodstock! Then we watched some magnificent fireworks and oohed and ahhed as the sparkly display lit up the warm summer night. For more than a few moments I felt truly, blissfully happy, grateful to be there and felt as if I hadn’t a care in the world. I do not remember the last time I felt so light-hearted and young.

Once a week on Sunday nights I do something for my spirit and splurge $8.00 on a group dance lesson at a West Coast Swing center downtown. I hadn't danced in twenty years and as one of my friends recently pointed out to me, I no longer have any excuses to deprive myself of what used to be a joy in my pre-married life. This particular dance hall does not require that you come with a partner, so it is a great way to socialize in an non-threatening environment as compared to going to a bar or lounge, which has never been my style. It is lovely to find out that men still find me attractive but a man is the last thing I am looking for right now. I am focused on earning a living after 18 years as a stay-at-home-mom, and men are just not in the picture at the moment. Besides, it will take lots of work and a very special person in order for me to trust anyone again after my experiences.

For those of you who are going through a divorce or considering one, may I be an optimistic reminder to you that there is life after the heartache, and many wonderful moments still ahead of you. Divorce can be a rebirth and your family can be reconfigured in a way that will teach valuable lessons to everyone about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I have no regrets, and can only wish the same for you.

Much love,
Foundhervoice-atlast