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... some days I just want to curl up in a ball and never get back up. ....



I am so fighting this very feeling. My kitchen has gone uncleaned for 5 days... I can't stand to look at it, but can't stand the thought of cleaning it. Without going into great detail, everything seems so hopeless. You'd think with a family as big as mine, I'd be able to feel some comfort - I say this because I've centered my life on family... the one I came from and the one my DH and I have rooted. Nothing works any more. I've cried, prayed, begged, gotten mad, shouted, driven around without a destination, read different materials, listened to tapes, listened to TV ministries, curled up in the dark and tried to quit thinking, and oh so much more, (haven't tried getting drunk, yet) but I can't seem to shake this feeling of NOTHINGNESS. That's what it feels like... NOTHINGNESS!
Not a word of what I've said is for shock factor... I've been as good as suicidal in the past, but those thoughts aren't even entertained anymore. What would be the point - there wouldn't be one - my girls and their children would only be hurt... never, ever do I want them to feel hurt, especially if I'm the cause!... I think that's what has deadened my feelings... feeling hurt, over and over and over and over and over ... pulling away from everything and everybody just so hurt won't come. I buck up during days so I can care for 3 of my grandchildren (trying to stay busy and help at the same time), but I feel my feelings might spill over onto them.
Boy, I want to go on, even though nothing I've typed matters to me... it's that nothingness
What makes it worse is that I know Eagle and others have gone through so much more and still respond heroically, facing days with the right attitude. I don't have that in me... tried to find it, but it just isn't there...